Have you noticed that some people have a knack for getting through to people, convincing them to buy into their plans, goals and desires?

It may seem like magic, but it really isn’t. The art of persuasion is easier to learn than you may think.

When you look for and find that “loose brick“ — what the other person really needs from you — you can tear down even the strongest barriers and connect with people in ways you never thought possible.

Right now, if you’re like most, there are a few people in your life to whom you can’t seem to get through. They may be team members, subordinates, clients or maybe even your boss. Perhaps it’s a partner or spouse, defiant teen or angry “ex.”

You try persuasion, logic, pleading, and bargaining, but you hit a wall every time. The more you try, the more your efforts backfire.

Most people, when faced with resistance, up-shift to higher gears. They speak louder, persuade harder, encourage, cajole, and then argue and push. The end result is greater resistance.

When you do the opposite, however — when you just listen, ask, mirror and reflect back to people what you hear — you’ll achieve the results you seek. You’ll start to get through to the people you need to reach, no matter how difficult they can be.

Why People Don’t Hear You

Almost all communication is an effort to get through to people and influence them to do something different.

The problem, however, is that people have their own needs, desires and agendas. They have secrets they don’t want to share with you. They’re stressed, busy and often overwhelmed. To cope, they throw up impenetrable mental barricades, even if they share your goals.

The Persuasion Cycle

In Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, psychiatrist Mark Goulston shares some of the techniques hostage negotiators use in the most desperate situations. They also work well for reaching a boss, coworker, client, spouse or angry teenager.

As Goulston notes, persuasion moves through a cycle:

• From resisting to listening

• From listening to considering

• From considering to willing to do

• From willing to do to doing

• From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

Buy-in begins when people move from resisting to listening to considering what you‘re saying. How do you get a person to go from the critical stage of resisting to listening? First, you listen to them.

An understanding of three concepts will allow you to see what’s happening in someone’s head when you’re trying to achieve buy-in:

1. The three-part brain (reptile, mammal, upper primate/human)

2. The “amygdala hijack”

3. Mirror neurons (and the mirror neuron deficit)

The Three-Part Brain

Our brains evolved from lower animals:

• Our primitive reptilian brain remains responsible for split-second survival reactions (i.e., the “freeze, fight or flight” response).

• The middle mammalian brain is the seat of emotions, where the “inner drama queen” reigns.

• The upper primate/human brain is personified by Star Trek’s Mr. Spock. It weighs a situation logically and generates a conscious plan of action. It collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, analyzes it, and makes practical, ethical decisions.

Often, however, we don’t engage the upper brain faculties until it’s too late and damage has been done. To a small extent, these three brains work together, but they also function independently, especially under stress. This is what happens when people shift, becoming difficult and hard to reach.

The Amygdala Hijack

The amygdala is a part of the brain that processes memory and emotional reactions (especially fear and anger).

When it takes over, the primitive reptile brain runs the show, and surges of adrenaline keep us from thinking clearly over the next few minutes — an effect that may take hours to fade.

The term “amygdala hijack,” first coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, refers to what happens under acute stress.

When you try to reason with someone in a full amygdala hijack, you’re wasting your time. You must speak to him before the hijack occurs — or talk him down from it using empathy.

Mirror Neurons

Years ago, when scientists were studying Macaque monkeys’ brains, they found that specific nerve cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. To their surprise, these same cells fired when one monkey watched another perform these acts.

When the brain’s “mirror neurons” fire, we have the ability to be transported into another person’s mind, briefly making us feel what the other person is experiencing. These cells are nature’s way of teaching us to care about other people.

Neurologist V.S. Ramachandran, director of the Center for Human Information Processing at the University of California, San Diego, calls them “empathy neurons” or “Dalai Lama neurons,” as they dissolve the barriers between self and others.

Most of us want to be heard and understood by others. We’re willing to be touched if someone breaks through the walls we erect to avoid being hurt or controlled.

In the workplace, this may prove challenging, as we worry about being inappropriate or intrusive. We don’t want to risk delving too deeply into how someone’ emotions.

As a result, Goulston suggests that many of us suffer from a “mirror neuron receptor deficit.” Many CEOs and managers feel they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility, or worse, no response at all. Their brains don’t get enough mirror neuron receptor activity. In other words, there’s not enough empathy going around the office.

3 Core Rules for Getting Through to People

“These days we’re experts at ‘hot-syncing’ — getting different pieces of technology, like BlackBerrys and PCs, to talk to each other. Few of us, however, are experts when it comes to hot-syncing with other people.” —Mark Goulston

You probably already know how to handle a tense situation intelligently. You wouldn’t be in your position today if you didn’t. At least subconsciously, you’re experienced in going from attack mode to emotional mode to smart mode.

Every difficult conversation involves your reptile, mammalian and human brains. Unfortunately, much of your wisdom lies buried in your instincts. You can’t always access what’s required to manage tense emotions at the precise moment you need it.

Typically, a few minutes after a stressful encounter, your pulse and breathing start to slow, and you calm down a little. Shortly thereafter, you gain enough self-control to begin reviewing your options. And later, you start thinking, “There’s a smart way to resolve this so everybody wins.”

But if you’ve reacted with harsh words in the heat of the moment, you may have already screwed up a sale, alienated a coworker or lost someone’s esteem.

Rule 1: Move from “Oh, F#@&!” to “OK”

In a stressful encounter, you may have less than two minutes to gain control and salvage the situation—a slender window of opportunity that gives you an advantage over everyone else in the room. You’ll be the only person who’s thinking straight.

Goulston recommends a five-step mental process during such crises, whether you’re dealing with a fender-bender, an enraged teenager or a work situation:

1. “Oh, F#@&!” (Reaction Phase): “This is a disaster. I’m screwed. What just happened? It’s all over.”
2. “Oh, God!” (Release Phase): “This is a huge mess. I’m stuck with it. Why does this always happen to me?”
3. “Oh, Jeez!” (Re-Center Phase): “All right, I can fix this, but it’s not going to be fun.”
4. “Oh, Well…” (Refocus Stage): “I’m not going to let this ruin my life/career/day/relationship. Here’s what I need to do right now to make it better.”
5. “OK.” (Reengage Phase): “OK, I’m ready to fix this. Let’s go.”

Goulston is not saying that you can solve a crisis in two minutes. You can’t. But you can think your way through to possible solutions quickly. These mental steps give you a way to create a path out of panic mode and into solution mode. You’ll then be able to say the right things instead of making things worse.

Rule 2: Rewire Yourself to Listen

Many of us don’t listen well, especially with the people we deal with each day. We think we already know what they’re going to say. 

As a result, we mistake insecurity for arrogance, fear for stubbornness and legitimate anger for a dismissive “he’s just a jerk.” We talk around, over and up against people, with little actual listening to them.

We often size people up instantly, forming some pretty good first impressions. The problem is, these impressions last forever, and many are a jumbled mix of fact, fiction, prejudice and unconscious intuitions. They affect our conversations with others for months or even years to come.

We use the following filters to put people in mental boxes before we really know them:

• Gender (and all the stereotypes that go with it…)

• Generation (age)

• Ethnic background (names, skin color, accent, etc.)

• Education (level, manner of speaking)

• Looks (dress, hair, body size, style)

Check your filters, and examine how well you truly hear what someone is saying.

Rule 3: Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can change the dynamics of a relationship in a heartbeat. In that instant, you “get” each other, and this breakthrough leads to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication.

When you mirror what another person feels, she’s hardwired to mirror you in return. When you say, “I understand what you’re feeling” — and you mean it — she will feel grateful and, in return, express her appreciation with a desire to understand you. It’s an irresistible biological urge that pulls another person toward you.

Inside every angry person is a scared or nervous soul in need of empathy. If you ignore this person’s feelings, you’ll keep hitting the same brick wall of anger, antagonism or apathy.

When you make the person feel “felt,” you’re likely to transform yourself from a stranger or enemy to a friend and ally. You’ll get less attitude and obstruction, more support and an improved chance to get your message through. If this sounds too simple to be true, go ahead and try it out for yourself.

Phrases for Difficult Conversations

Use these phrases to help someone feel “felt”:

• “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling, and I think it’s ______ (fill in an emotion). Is that correct?” Listen without judgment or comment.
• “What are you feeling?”
• “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Allow the person to vent.
• “And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset) is because (repeat back to them what they’ve told you).” Again, let the person vent.
• “Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” Listen without judgment or argument.
• “What part can I play in making this happen? What part are you willing to play?”

This script isn’t written in stone. These phrases are meant to be guides or starting points for breaking through to someone.

The goal is to move them from barricading to feeling “felt”—from resisting to listening, from listening to considering.

A new generation of sophisticated information and communication technologies, together with new forms of business reorganization and management, is wiping out full-time employment for millions of blue- and white-collar workers.

What does this mean? There is work, but it’s not the same as it used to be. There are jobs, but not the same ones offered a few years ago. And unless you want to go after menial work, you’ll need to acquire a disciplined education and variety of experiences, while also developing a highly valued mind.

Our Mind(s) Matter

In Five Minds for the Future (Harvard Business School Press, 2007), noted psychologist Howard Gardner says our mind — actually, minds — matters. We achieve greater professional success by learning how to think and learn in new ways.

Gardner believes five different kinds of minds are critical to remaining a highly prized asset in your organization, especially in times of economic cutbacks:

1. The Disciplined Mind

The disciplined mind has mastered at least one way of thinking — a mode of cognition that belongs to a specific scholarly discipline, craft or profession. Lawyers think like lawyers, engineers like engineers, managers like managers.

Start by figuring out the central concepts of the discipline you wish to master. The field you choose has key foundational concepts, methods and procedures.

You need to develop many “entry points” into your discipline. Those who have mastered a subject can think about it in many ways: storytelling, debate, graphics, humor, drama or classic exposition. If you communicate your expertise in only one medium, then you don’t really know your subject.

The end goal is to “perform your understanding.” This isn’t mere recitation of known case studies or performance of standard experiments. You must use your knowledge to attack problems you’ve never seen. You then need expert feedback to determine how well you fared.

2. The Synthesizing Mind

The synthesizing mind is adept at selecting crucial information from the copious amounts available, across disciplines.

You must recognize important new information and skills and then incorporate them into your knowledge base and professional repertoire.

You must discern what merits your attention and what to ignore, organizing this information in ways that make sense to yourself and others.

3. The Creating Mind

Human creativity is at a premium. Businesses want employees who can develop a “new vision” and “extend existing product categories,” on top of completing their daily work.

Creative thinkers are no longer deemed exceptional; they’re the expected new hire. Work by psychologists like Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi show that creativity is not a lone endeavor, but three elements that interact to foster lasting breakthroughs:

1. An individual must master a discipline or area and constantly work at it.
2. Creativity requires a “cultural domain” that provides models, rules and norms to work with or against.
3. The creative individual needs opportunities to perform.

The key ingredient is a creative temperament (which need not be innate). Creative people are dissatisfied with their own work and that of others. They go against the grain; it may be painful, but the alternative is even more excruciating. They notice anomalies and try to explain them, rather than explain them away.

Generally, creative people are tough, tenacious and undeterred by hard work or failures. Even when they do succeed, they look over the horizon to find the next mountain to climb.

4. The Respectful Mind

The respectful mind responds sympathetically and constructively to differences among individuals and groups. Those with respectful minds work beyond mere tolerance and political correctness; they develop the capacity for forgiveness.

Human beings naturally band into groups—and as soon as such groups form, members start to dislike one another. This pattern appears repeatedly in humans and other primates, for that matter.

To succeed, you must cultivate respect for others. Teaching respectfulness in school is certainly a promising means of fostering tolerance, and many schools put it into practice by requiring students of various backgrounds to work on joint projects with shared goals. With this kind of foundation, students can continue to cultivate tolerance and respect when they graduate to the workplace and political realm.

5. The Ethical Mind

Ethically minded individuals strive for good work and ethical balance in micro to global environments.

Four tools, while not sufficient for good work, are probably necessary:

1. A mission. Without a mission, you don’t know what you’re aiming to achieve. Try to develop a clear, actionable mission statement that embodies your values.
2. One or more good models.  Without models, doing the ethical thing is much harder.
3. An individual version of the “mirror test.” Look into the mirror and ask yourself if you like what you see. Do you approve of what you’re doing at work? It’s easy to deceive yourself, so get confirmation from people you respect.
4. A professional version of the mirror test. Look into the mirror and see if your colleagues are living up to their professional obligations. If not, what can you do to improve the ethical fiber of your profession?

The Future Is Now

In reality, many individuals in positions of influence are deficient in one or more of the five kinds of minds discussed here.

Shrewd managers or leaders select people who already possess these minds. They then challenge their employees to maintain, sharpen and catalyze their capacities so teams can work together effectively and serve as role models for future recruits.

The critical questions to ask yourself are:

1. With which of these minds do I already show strength?
2. How can I improve my mental capabilities?
3. Where can I stretch my abilities to enable growth?
4. Which of these minds do I need to learn?
5. Who in my organization can help mentor me?

Some of the “bad” things that happen to hardworking, well-meaning, capable people each day include:

• Missing the big opportunity
• Getting passed over for a promotion
• Getting demoted
• Losing a lot of money
• Getting fired
• Going bankrupt

What happens to us when our worst career nightmares come true?

There may not be scandalous headlines in the local papers, but with the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing, there may as well be.

Public or company humiliations suck the air out of one’s spirit, making it hard to carry on with dignity and drive. Our lifeblood and mental energy are drained.

Career-altering events can happen to anyone — and they do. But when they happen to us, they seem incomprehensible, largely because we’ve worked so hard to be nice, dedicated and well-meaning.

But even when we can partially blame the economy, there comes a time when we must take a hard look at what we could have done differently. Despite faltering companies, imperfect leaders, coworkers who don’t like us and other external variables, we must eventually engage in private, honest  introspection. It’s time to ask: What part did I play in the events leading up to the career crisis?

Defining Mojo

Historically and culturally, the word “mojo” has been associated with witchcraft and voodoo—specifically, the ability to cast spells. Over the years, it has become urban slang for personal power, magnetism and charisma.

In business speak today, mojo refers to the moment we do something purposeful and powerful — an act lauded by others. In sports, business and politics, the term has evolved to describe a sense of positive direction.

For some, mojo represents personal advancement: moving forward, making progress, achieving goals, clearing hurdles, passing the competition — and doing so with increasing ease. What you’re doing matters, and you enjoy it. Star athletes call this being “in the zone.” Others describe it as “flow.”

Mojo plays a vital role in our pursuit of happiness and meaning, as it involves achieving two simple goals: loving what you do and showing it.

Lost Mojo

In Mojo: How to Get It, How to Keep It, How to Get It Back If You Lose It, leadership expert Marshall Goldsmith introduces the term “nojo” — the opposite of mojo.

Nojo sufferers approach their work negatively. They’re bored, frustrated, dispirited and confused about the dark tunnel that envelops their career — and they aren’t shy about sharing their dissatisfaction with others.

Nojo happens when we experience a career failure and don’t get over it. Individuals who are incapable of looking inward to identify their role in a negative event get stuck — and stay stuck. As their spirit sours, they’re never able to recapture their mojo.

In some cases, people seem to have mojo one day and nojo the next. This volatility is often caused by a series of ongoing, hard-to-spot mistakes that in time lead to a crisis. If we can recognize our errors early, we can prevent events from spiraling out of control.

Common Career Mistakes

Goldsmith lists seven professional mistakes that contribute to career failures in otherwise competent, successful and smart people:

1. Over-committing
2. Waiting for the Facts to Change
3. Looking for Logic in All the Wrong Places
4. Bashing the Boss
5. Refusing to Change Because of “Sunk Costs”
6. Confusing the Mode You’re in

7. Maintaining Pointless Arguments

1. a. Let me keep talking.
2. b. I had it rougher than you.
3. c. Why did you do that?
4. d. It’s not fair.

As you examine these potential pitfalls, try to pinpoint the ones to which you’re predisposed.

1. Over-committing

If you’re good at what you do and like your job, it’s easy to take on new challenges. You’re bursting with mojo. People want you in their meetings and on their teams.

The old adage, “If you want something done, just ask a busy person,” may apply to you. And if you’re ambitious, the last thing you want to admit to your boss or coworkers is that you can’t handle everything.

If you believe you have superpowers, you will box yourself into a corner by taking on too many tasks. At that point, the quality of work and good humor will begin to fail, and you’ll lose your mojo (and possibly much more).

Ironically, the habit of over-committing has an unintended consequence: It makes us appear under-committed — a perception rarely appreciated by customers, colleagues or bosses.

2. Waiting for the Facts to Change

When we experience a setback, it’s not uncommon for us to wait for the facts to change into something more to our liking. Such wishful thinking is the opposite of over-committing, as it leads to under-acting. Instead of doing something, you freeze and do nothing.

When the facts are hard to swallow, ask yourself: “What path would I take if I knew the situation won’t get any better?” Then, get ready to pursue that path.

Doing nothing is akin to moving backward — a behavior you cannot afford in a constantly changing world.

3. Looking for Logic in All the Wrong Places

We devote many professional hours to finding logic in situations where none exists.

Human beings are profoundly illogical. Our minds crave order, fairness and justice, and we’re trained to value logic. But much of life, work and decisions that affect us are unreasonable, unfair or unjust, which sets us up for disappointment and can kill mojo.

We sometimes hope logic will prevail against all odds and that it will prove we’re in the right. If we capriciously stick to our guns until the bitter end, everyone will see how right we are. In the meantime, we seriously damage important relationships.

4. Bashing the Boss

Talent-management firm DDI found that the average American spends 15 hours a month criticizing or complaining about his or her boss. Indeed, boss-bashing is a popular diversion.

But while it may relieve tension and get a few laughs, denigrating your boss is not particularly attractive. Other people will wonder what you’ll say about them when they’re not around.

Bashing doesn’t build a better boss. It only serves to tarnish your reputation and lower your mojo. The negativity you spread will almost certainly affect others’ mojo, too.

5. Refusing to Change Because of “Sunk Cost”

Once incurred, a sunk cost cannot be recovered. Unfortunately, it’s also the basis for many irrational decisions that go against our best interest. When we throw more money at a problem and hope for different results, we compound the error — all because we cannot admit our error.

Each of us has sunk costs in our lives. We didn’t become successful because of luck; rather, we had to invest a big piece of ourselves in our work. At some point, this investment may have stopped paying off, without our awareness.

Are your decisions based on what you might lose or what you have to gain? It it’s the former, your devotion to sunk costs may be costing you more than you know: your mojo.

6. Confusing the Mode You’re in

We have two modes of behavior: professional and relaxed. Our professional selves are image-conscious. We pay attention to how we look, dress, speak and behave. We can’t afford to be sloppy.

In relaxed mode, some of us go to opposite extremes. We’re less guarded about everything, including our speech, language and use of humor.

So, what happens when we’re in relaxed mode, but still in the company of work colleagues and friends? Are we sarcastic and cynical in ways inappropriate to the office setting?

The more you close the gap between who you are as a professional and who you are when relaxed, the greater the trust and confidence you’ll generate. You’ll demonstrate genuineness, and you’ll avoid slipping into sloppiness with humor and language, which can put a dent in your mojo.

7. Maintaining Pointless Arguments

Arguing happens anytime you put a group of intelligent, successful people into a room and give them a problem to solve. It also happens simply because people have egos, and it’s human nature to compete with other members of the tribe.

Arguing can put our mojo at risk by needlessly creating enemies instead of allies. Many arguments are traps in which we fight to improve our status among the tribe, rather than to solve a problem for the greater good.

Learn to avoid the following argument traps that do nothing more than zap your spirit:

a. Let me keep talking: Everyone has opinions and enjoys expressing them. In fact, we feel it’s our right to do so. Sometimes, however, we just can’t stop; we have to have the last word. It can be very hard for smart people to “just let it go.”

b. I had it rougher than you: When we revel in how poor we were and how much we had to overcome to achieve our current station in life, all we’re doing is trying to elicit other people’s admiration. What’s the point?

c. Why did you do that? We’ll never know people’s true motivations. We can speculate with generosity or paranoia, but we never may get a completely frank answer. Why waste hours trying to get to the bottom of why people do things? It will only exhaust your mojo.

d. It’s not fair: You disagree with a decision that has been made. Worse, you believe you haven’t been given a legitimate explanation. Arguing won’t change the outcome and makes you look childish. Deal with it. Save your precious mojo.

These four “losing” arguments have the same end result: no change in outcome. Look for ways to make your point, and then move on, with your mojo intact.

Mojo Recuperation

What can you do when you recognize these behaviors in yourself?

It’s easy to say, “OK, guess I’ll stop doing that.” It’s harder to maintain progress whenever you seek lasting behavior change.

Someone once asked Goldsmith, “Does anyone ever really change?” After surveying 86,000 former clients and, later on, more than 250,000 respondents from his leadership development seminars, his conclusion is unequivocal:

“Very few people achieve positive, lasting change without ongoing follow-up. Unless they know at the end of the day (or week or month) that someone is going to measure if they’re doing what they promised to do, most people fall prey to inertia.”

The key words in Goldsmith’s statement are “measure” and “follow-up.” Because very few people can succeed alone with self-help efforts, many seek assistance from a mentor or executive coach.

Always remember that your competition continually responds to a changing business environment by working longer and harder. This means mojo is not an option; it’s a career differentiator. You need it to separate yourself from the throng — and your personal spirit will ultimately thank you.

Business is fundamentally an extended conversation. Whether you’re speaking with your boss, team members, colleagues or direct reports, conversations shape what gets done.

The quality of your conversations matters most, providing either:

• Clarity or confusion
• Collaboration or competition
• Inspiration or resistance
• Profound connection or disengaged boredom

As a leader, you must engineer conversations to foster clarity, cooperation, creativity and a connection to company values.

Too often, we let our results-driven culture provide words that render conversations stale and lifeless. We speak in terms of measurable goals, key economic indicators, cash-flow projections, action plans, and process and procedure.

We speak rapidly, using jargon, throwing out the latest buzzwords as though one or two key phrases will suffice. True conversations are replaced by quick interactions, where two people deliver words as fast as possible, and in only one direction. We’re suffering from a lack of genuine inquiry into what other people are thinking, and we lose opportunities to explore differing perspectives.

Sadly, the quality of many work conversations borders on mediocrity and/or boredom. Meaning and connection tend to be reserved for personal conversations.

Quality work conversations require:

1. Intelligence and passion
2. Personal and universal connections
3. Use of strong, authentic and emotional words

Fierce Conversations

In her two books, Fierce Conversations and Fierce Leadership, training and development consultant Susan Scott explains that the word “fierce” doesn’t imply menace, cruelty or threats. In Roget’s Thesaurus, the word fierce is associated with the following synonyms: robust, intense, strong, powerful, passionate, eager, unbridled, uncurbed and untamed.

“The simplest definition of a fierce conversation is one in which we come out from behind ourselves, into the conversation, and make it real,” Scott writes.

Some people, however, are intimidated by the idea of talking about what’s real because it requires raw honesty and vulnerability. Sure, real conversations can be scary. But in reality, unreal conversations should be scaring us to death because they never address what needs to be said, cost organizations untold fortunes and limit individuals’ career advancement.

Making It Real

“Real is a change agent’s best friend. While no one has to change, when the conversation is real, the change often occurs before the conversation has ended.” —Susan Scott, 2009

Real conversations may, indeed, be uncomfortable.

“Where did we learn that we should never do or say anything that might make ourselves or others uncomfortable?” Scott asks.

While politeness and constructive criticism matter, they should not come at the expense of meaningful interactions that explore diverse perspectives and competing recommendations.

As a leader, it’s your job to accomplish your organization’s goals. You accomplish this, in large part, by making every conversation as real as possible.

The Risk of Being Real

Today’s workforce is composed of men and women who consider themselves to be free agents. They’re responsible for the course of their working careers and may think of themselves as owners and investors—not as employees. It’s a fair belief, as each day they invest time, energy and brain power at work.

Your organization’s people own their free will, drive and expertise. They’re willing to invest these assets in support of colleagues, ideals and goals in which they believe. As a leader, manager or team member, you can give them something to believe in by making every conversation real.

There are some emotional risks, according to Scott:

• I will be known.
• I will be seen.
• I will be changed.

You have to remove your professional mask and leadership persona, setting aside your authority and power. You must open your mind to others’ potentially competing perspectives and accept that you don’t know it all or have all the answers.

Leaders who strive to increase their candor and authenticity experience a growing sense of personal freedom, vitality and effectiveness. By improving their ability to have robust conversations, they gain a higher level of personal authenticity, emotional honesty, integrity and greater capacity to inspire change in others.

Start Having Fierce Conversations

Real conversations begin with you. You must “be the change you want,” modeling how you want others to behave.

The art of fierce conversations is an evolving practice — one that must be initiated and repeated on an ongoing basis. You must practice before you enjoy progress.

Four Goals of Real Conversations

Scott describes four critical goals for fierce conversations:

1. Interrogate reality.

Reality and truth are like “shape shifters” in fantasy films. One minute, you see an adorable puppy; the next, it morphs into a fire-spewing dragon. In business, marketplace realities, technology and global demands shift rapidly — and if you’re like most people, you try to fix the same problems with the same solutions, expecting different results.

If you fail to explore differing realities, you’ll spend an inordinate amount of time mopping up the aftermath of plans torpedoed by people who resent their organizations’ refusal to value their experience, opinions and beliefs.

Regularly interrogate reality. Ask yourself:

• What has changed?
• Does the plan still make sense?
• If not, what’s required of you? Of others?
• Which realities should be explored before important decisions are made?

2. Provoke learning.

Learning cannot occur in a conversation unless both parties agree to nonjudgmentally explore all sides of an issue.

One common error occurs when you’re entering into a conversation with a fixed agenda, such as trying to persuade someone to alter his or her point of view. You cannot effectively influence people until you know where they’re coming from, and this requires research and preparation.

• a. Begin with an open mind and the willingness to step out of judgment mode.
• b. Make a clear and succinct statement that describes the behavior or issue from your point of view.
• c. Proceed with an invitation, such as: “Please tell me what’s going on from where you sit. I want to understand your perspective and learn your thoughts.”

Many of us ruin a conversation by yammering for too long about our own perspective, without giving the other person a chance to respond. And as soon as the other person says something with which we disagree, we jump back in, giving more examples and trying to build a stronger case. The person on the receiving end will tune out or go into defensive mode, ending the possibility of having a meaningful conversation.

• d. Stop talking and start listening. When necessary, let silence happen.
• e. Facilitate openness by asking questions nonjudgmentally.

3. Tackle tough challenges.

To have real conversations, you must be willing to identify and address the relevant issues in a truthful and courageous manner. Ask yourself: “What are the most important issues I should be addressing? Which issues am I avoiding?” Sometimes, this involves problems everyone knows exist, but rarely acknowledge or discuss.

4. Enrich relationships.

Each conversation you have is an opportunity to enhance a relationship. But for many hard-charging and competitive high achievers, conversations are used as opportunities to show off their brilliance and wit.

Fierce conversations are not competitive. Each participant must agree to communicate as an equal.

Conversations must no longer be about you, but centered on others. This requires asking questions and listening with total focus and attention on the other person. No multitasking is allowed!

Human Connectivity

For top leaders, 90 percent of their success can be attributed to emotional intelligence. Those who fail lack emotional competencies.

Three problems can derail potential triumphs:

1. Difficulty in handling change
2. Inability to work well in a team
3. Poor interpersonal relations

Each of these deficits can be resolved through meaningful conversations.

Smart leaders quickly realize that their most valuable currency isn’t money, IQ, advanced degrees, achievements, charisma, good looks, athletic prowess, analytical expertise or other symbols of success. Rather, their most valuable currencies are relationships, emotional capital and the ability to connect with others.

Lack of meaningful connections with coworkers and customers costs companies billions of dollars annually. In a highly competitive marketplace, where most products and services are commodities that customers can acquire from your competitors, human connectivity is often the sole differentiator.

You cannot achieve a deep connection with colleagues and customers unless you bring valuable expertise to the relationship and can access and manage emotions (your own and others’).

Emotions Have a Bad Rep

Despite indisputable evidence to the contrary, many leaders believe displaying emotions in the workplace should be avoided. This old chestnut has been drummed into our collective consciousness for decades.

“Old school” beliefs include:

• Emotions have no place at work.
• • Any display — apart from enthusiasm — is inappropriate and unprofessional.
• We don’t have time to deal with feelings in the workplace.
• If we want to talk about feelings, we should see a therapist.
• We can rely on intelligence and logic to persuade colleagues and customers.

These obsolete tenets are slowly being replaced by the following concepts:

• Emotions are running the show anyway, so we need to increase our awareness of them.
• Emotions motivate us, for better or worse, so we must pay attention to them.
• Failure to deal with emotions will cause greater problems down the road.
• Our jobs require us to create a culture that engenders affection, loyalty and connection with coworkers and customers.
• To win respect and influence others, we must respect and commit to them.

How to Sharpen a Conversation

Ten step-by-step phases can guide you through more meaningful conversations. As with any guide, consider these steps to be general principles, and choose your words with forethought.

1. Prepare to have your conversation in person, without distractions.
2. Clarify your intentions.
3. Prepare your opening statement.
4. Name the issue.
5. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior you want to change.
6. Describe your emotions around the issue.
7. Clarify what’s at stake.
8. Identify the ways in which you contribute to the problem.
9. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue.
10. Invite your partner to respond.

Once you’ve made a trial run with these guidelines, debrief with the other person. You can say something like: “Thank you for hearing what I had to say and for sharing your perspectives. Your success is important to me, and I applaud your commitment to action. I’d like us to follow up on this later.”

Successful leaders must use power, political savvy and persuasion to bring their ideas to fruition. Many executives, however, are uncomfortable with power or office politics, viewing them as the dark side of workplace behavior. They believe job satisfaction, morale and commitment erode when politics dominate the environment.

But research clearly shows that being politically savvy and building a power base pay off. In “Power Is the Great Motivator,” a classic 2003 Harvard Business Review article, leadership consultants David McClelland and David Burnham examined managers’ primary motivations and success in achieving results.

Their studies reveal managers are primarily motivated by one of three drives:

1. Affiliation: a fundamental desire to be liked
2. Achievement: the motivation to attain goals and gain personal recognition
3. Power: the desire to influence others

The most effective managers, measured by results, were motivated by power. But there’s a difference between managers who crave power for personal advancement and those McClelland and Burnham deem “institutional managers” (those who place the organization’s needs over personal goals and being liked).

Institutional managers:

• Are highly organization-minded
• Have a strong work ethic
• Are willing to sacrifice some self-interest for the good of the organization
• Believe in rewarding individuals who work hard toward organizational goals

Sources of Power

There are three sources of power in an organization: positional, relational and personal:

1. Positional power: Your title and job status confer some level of formal power. You are authorized to act within a certain scope, but it’s seldom sufficient to get things done.
2. Relationships: Informal power stems from the relationships and alliances you form with others. If you do a favor for someone, the law of reciprocity impacts your relationship. Coalitions and alliances increase your relational power.
3. Personal: Some people generate power based on their knowledge, expertise, technical competencies and ability to articulate ideas or a vision that others will follow. Your communication skills, charisma and trustworthiness help determine your personal power.

Open to Influence

Power often expresses itself as influence: the ability to change, direct or affect others’ behavior without barking orders or threatening them.

Ironically, executives and managers who are open to peers’ and subordinates’ input garner greater respect than those who resist others’ influence. An openness to influence demonstrates trust and respect, which become reciprocal and contagious.

With greater openness comes access to information and insights about the environment. You’re therefore privy to signals when something isn’t working, and you can rapidly adjust. Influence becomes a two-way street.

Currencies of Exchange

In their 1989 book, Influence Without Authority, Allan Cohen and David Bradford introduced the term “currencies of exchange,” a metaphor that teaches businesspeople how to acquire and expand their organizational influence.

Essentially, you can offer goods and services to a potential ally in exchange for cooperation. Currencies may take the form of technical assistance, information, lease of space or equipment, a plum assignment and the like. The key to using currencies is to understand what others want or value.

Power without Authority

Effective use of power is becoming increasingly important, as many organizations are flatter, less hierarchical and cross-functional. This structural shift works best when leaders exert broad power and influence, without official authority.

While power skills are more important than ever, many executives shy away from developing them or fail to understand how they can expand and use them to full force.

Avoiding Power

No matter your position or title, you need power to push through any important agenda. Jeffrey Pfeffer, a professor of organizational behavior at Stanford University’s Graduate School of Business and author of Power: Why Some People Have It — And Others Don’t, cites three barriers that cause executives to shy away from using power to extend their influence.

• 1. The belief that the world is a just place: If you do a good job and behave appropriately, do you assume things will take care of themselves? When others make self-aggrandizing, envelope-pushing power plays, do you dismiss them instead of watching to see if you can learn something? 

Believing in a just world makes you less powerful by:
  • Limiting your willingness to learn from all situations and people — even those you don’t like or respect
  • Anesthetizing you to the need to proactively build a power base — an outcome that blinds you to potentially career-damaging landmines
• 2. Leadership literature and popular business books: Many successful authors will tout their careers as models to emulate, but they’ll often gloss over the power plays they’ve used to get to the top. 

Their books are filled with prescriptions for following your inner compass, being truthful, letting your feelings show, being modest and self-effacing, and shunning bullying behavior. 

In truth, these authors are describing how they wish people in positions of power would behave. There’s no doubt the world would be a better place if leaders were always authentic, modest, truthful and concerned with others — but wishing won’t make it so.
• 3. Your delicate self-esteem: People want to feel good about themselves and their abilities. Any experience of failure puts their self-esteem at risk. If you fail to actively seek and gain power, you won’t view your lack of it a personal failure — a phenomenon known as  “self-handicapping.”

The Power of Power

Power is ultimately defined as the ability to have things your way. When you need others to give their best efforts in the face of differing ideas and opinions, you need leverage — and powerful people use several strategies to advance their agendas.

1. Leverage Resources.

Whenever you have discretionary control over resources — money, equipment, space and/or information — you can use them to build a power base.

Helping people evokes reciprocity, a universal drive to want to repay a favor — even without making it explicit that there’s a quid pro quo.

Your ability to garner support becomes self-sustaining, as people want to join the “winning” side.

Money is not the sole source of leverage. Access to information or key people can be even more valuable.

2. Shape Behaviors with Rewards and Punishments.

In international companies and governments, leaders reward those who help them and punish those who stand in their way. You may disagree with this approach, but it remains an important tool for building a power base.

Leaders who effectively wield influence make it clear that subordinates will reap rewards if they help and problems if they refuse to pitch in.

3. Make the Vision Compelling.

It’s easier to exercise power when you’re aligned with a compelling, socially valuable objective. Similarly, power struggles inside companies seldom revolve around blatant self-interest. At the moment of crisis and decision, clever combatants typically invoke shareholders’ interests, company values and mission, and causes greater than short-term or personal interests.

Fair Play?

You won’t go far — and neither will your strategic plans — if you cannot build and use power.

Some of the people who compete for advancement or stand in the way of your agenda will bend the rules of fair play and, in some cases, ignore them entirely.

Don’t bother complaining about this or wishing things were different. Part of your job is to know how to prevail in the political battles you face. You’ll succeed if you understand the principles of power and are willing to use them.

Persuasion

Persuasion has four elements:

1. Credibility: Credibility is built on trust and expertise, and it must be earned. People will believe you have expertise and are worthy of their trust if you exercise sound judgment and demonstrate a history of success.
2. An understanding of the audience: Identify the decision makers and centers of influence. Determine their likely receptivity and personal agendas.
3. A solid argument: What is perfectly sensible to you may elude others — especially those who are already opposed to your ideas and prepared to resist. 

You can improve your chances of persuading them when your case:
   • Is logical and consistent with facts and experience
   • Strikes an emotional cord
   • Favorably addresses the interests of the parties you hope to persuade
   • Neutralizes competing alternatives
   • Recognizes and deals with the politics of the situation
   • Comes with endorsements from objective and authoritative third parties
4. Effective communication: Don’t mistakenly think that logic and rationality will win out and persuade people to your side. You may inadvertently trigger confirmation bias, a situation in which people become further entrenched in their own ideas. 

Effective communication appeals to people’s emotions, tapping into universal human values and desires. Appeal to both hearts and minds if you want to build and sustain commitment to your strategic plans.

Office Politics

It’s naive to suggest that office politics are destructive and unethical. If you define politics in such a narrow way, you overlook the value of political awareness and skill. Political savvy, when combined with the right values, can be advantageous to you, your team and your organization.

To become politically savvy and build your power base:

When you face objections, don’t go to individuals’ bosses or peers to undercut their arguments. Instead, ask them questions to determine their goals. Stakeholders may:

• Share your goal, but not your implementation approach
• Disagree with your goal, but share your approach to change
• Share neither
• Share both

You can identify potential allies and resisters with direct questioning.

Once you’ve persuaded others to join your coalition, you’ve established a base that will legitimize your idea. Coalition members will then use their networks to evangelize for you.

Getting others to make changes and do things your way is risky and fraught with personal peril. Making your organization a better place is often at odds with personal advancement.

You can’t do it without power. Just be sure to create power in and with others, as opposed to using power over others.

According to newer Gallup research, what employees want most — along with competitive pay — is quality management. When they feel unappreciated and disapprove of their managers, they leave or stop trying.

Almost 25% of U.S. employees would fire their bosses if given the chance, and about 50% of actively disengaged workers would follow suit.

A Gallup Management Journal survey found that, of all 24.7 million U.S. workers, roughly 18% are actively disengaged. Gallup estimates the lower productivity of actively disengaged workers costs the U.S. economy about $382 billion (http://gmj.gallup.com/content/28867/Many-Employees-Would-Fire-Their-Boss.aspx).

Because of current economic realities, people may not be leaving their jobs. Instead, they join the ranks of the disengaged and become “missing in action.” It rests upon managers to learn better ways of interacting with the people on whom they depend.

3 Steps to Positive Leadership

In 2005, results of a Gallup research study concluded managers play a crucial role in employee well-being and engagement.

Five years later, most leaders are acutely aware of the costs and benefits of engaging their workforce at all levels. Active employee engagement has strong linkages to key business outcomes, including retention, productivity, profitability, customer retention and safety.

But the Gallup research didn’t study what managers did (their specific behaviors) to elicit positive responses from employees.

That’s why Margaret Greenberg and Dana Arakawa put the theory of positive leadership to the test. Greenberg is president of The Greenberg Group, an executive coaching/consulting practice in Andover, CT. Arakawa is a program associate at the John Templeton Foundation of West Conshohocken, PA. Both are graduates of the Master of Applied Positive Psychology program at the University of Pennsylvania.

Greenberg and Arakawa wanted to know if managers who apply positive leadership practices have teams with higher project performance and employee engagement, as compared to teams led by managers who don’t apply these practices.

Based on a great deal of previous research, positive managers practice these three leadership behaviors:

1. Use a strengths-based approach
2. Provide frequent recognition and encouragement
3. Maintain a positive perspective when difficulties arise

Past studies have shown these practices have a direct effect on employee engagement, and each is an observable and testable behavior.

None of these characteristics are innate, but all can be learned. Very few executives intuitively know:

1. How to work with people’s strengths
2. How to automatically give frequent credit where due
3. How to respond with your best game face when the going gets rough

A Strengths-Based Approach

There’s a reason why managers’ focus on strengths and weaknesses is so important. Most organizations are obsessed with fixing weaknesses. They consequently conduct performance reviews, 360-degree assessments and they like to evaluate how well employees and managers are measuring up to predefined goals and competencies.

Managers are instructed to look at an employee’s assessed gap and coach for greater performance in areas of weakness. The goal is to raise awareness of deficiencies and encourage progress toward a set standard, building strength where it is lacking. An executive coach, an offsite training program and in-house learning programs may be assigned.

Such assessments, however, usually pay only cursory attention to an employee’s strengths. The assessment, performance review and subsequent remedial programs focus instead almost exclusively on gaps or weaknesses.

Focus on What Works

Too many managers assume that employees need to be good at many things, rather than excellent in key areas — a decidedly negative view of human capital.

More recent studies in behavioral sciences and organizational performance have firmly established that focusing on what works, followed by a program to scale it to greater levels, is a more practical and efficient approach to developing people and performance.

Managers who take a strengths-based approach help employees identify strengths and align talents with their work. These managers don’t ignore employee weaknesses, but fixing them isn’t their primary focus.

Instead, positive managers focus more on the areas in which an employee excels and how his or her strengths can be leveraged to benefit the employee, team and organization.

Greenberg and Arakawa measured the degree to which managers used strength-based behaviors by asking employees to rate their level of agreement with a series of statements, such as:

• “My project manager matches my talents to the tasks that need to be accomplished.”
• “My project manager encourages high performance by building on my strengths.”

They found that managers who focused on strengths enjoyed superior team performance, as opposed to managers who focused on weaknesses.

Their study surveyed more than 100 information technology professionals in different managerial roles at The Hanover Insurance Group. Managers were asked about how well projects met budget, schedule and quality standards.

Using the employee responses, Greenberg and Arakawa ranked the extent to which managers focused on strengths and found that those in the top quartile had much higher project performance results.

Based on retrospective project performance results from 2005, managers in the top quartile achieved an average project performance score of 10.6 on a 20-point scale, while managers in the bottom quartile achieved an average score of 7.09. In 2006, the average score for top-quartile managers was 17.91, compared to an average score of 11.55 for managers in the bottom quartile.

Good managers won’t be surprised to find a correlation between their behavior and employee performance. But even Hanover’s leaders were surprised at how much the two factors correlated.

The Problem-Seeking Mindset

A second important factor in positive leadership behaviors is giving frequent praise and recognition. In 90% of workplaces, this doesn’t happen enough, nor is praise delivered in a way that can be heard or received for maximum effect.

It’s not enough to wait for annual performance reviews or project completion to deliver feedback. Praise must be frequent, ongoing and specific to current behaviors — not vague or general.

Why is it so difficult to provide frequent, positive feedback? Because, in truth, we’re predisposed to look for the negative: in ourselves, in others and for external events. We rarely scan our environment and ask:

• • “What’s working right now… and how can we do more of it?”
• • Instead, we look around and ask: “What’s broken — and how can we fix it?”

The problem-seeking mindset is one of the brain’s shortcomings, while also serving as a protective device to spare us from danger and making mistakes. Psychologists have studied our predilection for the negative, with astonishing results.

The Brain Power of Negativity

In Switch (2010), authors Dan and Chip Heath write about “finding the bright spots” in our work and lives. After extensive research, the two business school professors have documented myriad cases that prove how hard it is to overcome negativity’s pull.

In one study, for example, scientists analyzed 558 words in the English language that denote emotions, and they found that 62% were negative (versus the 38% positive).

Across the board, no matter the situation or domain, we are wired to focus on bad over good.

• Example A: People who were shown photos of good and bad events spent more time  viewing the latter.
• Example B: When people hear something bad about someone else, they pay more attention to it, reflect on it more, remember it longer and weigh it more when assessing that person. This tendency is called “positive-negative asymmetry.”
• Example C: A researcher reviewed 17 studies of how people interpret and explain events in their lives, such as how fans interpret sporting events or how students describe their days in a journal. Across multiple domains — work, politics, sports, relationships — people were more likely to spontaneously bring up negative versus positive events.

“Bad is stronger than good,” the Heaths conclude. It’s no wonder performance reviews and feedback are usually aimed at what’s not working. Yet, individuals can override this brain tendency and focus on the positive, at least enough to create successful relationships both at work and home.

John Gottman, a psychologist who studies extensive marital conversations, finds that couples who sustain long-term marriages use language that reflects five times more positive statements than negative ones. In fact, he calls this “the magic ratio” and claims it will accurately predict if a marriage will last.

He urges managers to use a ratio of 5:1 positive statements in conversations with employees. Ask yourself: “What percentage of time do I spend solving problems in relation to the time I spend scaling successes?”

Given the advantages of a solution mindset, it’s surprising that more managers fail to gain a foothold in this managerial style. Remember: You can’t give praise and recognition if you see only the negative and focus on what’s broken.

When Things Go Wrong

Managing long-term, multimillion-dollar projects that involve dozens of people and several workgroups is a complex challenge, and things are bound to go wrong. How managers respond to problems has a direct and measurable impact on both the employees and the project.

Researchers Greenberg and Arakawa asked employees:

• “When a problem crops up on my project, is my project manager able to help me come up with solutions?”
• “What steps does your project manager take when such a problem arises?”

Here’s what they found:

• Managers who maintain a positive perspective don’t turn setbacks into catastrophes.
• They don’t fly off the handle; they control their emotions.
• They recognize what’s within their sphere of influence (and what’s not).
• They see and discuss the problem as an opportunity.
• They provide a solution-oriented perspective.

In other words, they make themselves part of the solution rather than the problem, which frees up employees to tackle the challenge.

Positive Results

Greenberg and Arakawa also discovered that managers who maintained a positive perspective when things went awry experienced greater project performance. Managers who scored in the top quartile for positive perspective (as reported by their employees, not self-report) had significantly higher project performance than those in the bottom quartile.

Of course, unrealistic optimism and inauthentic happy faces do not bode well for any manager or employee. Honesty is critically important, especially in uncertain times. Luckily, managers can moderate their emotional responses in ways that reassure people, without denying the reality of harsh situations.

In their paper, Greenberg and Arakawa wrote:

“In today’s rapidly changing and uncertain business environment, managers and employees need optimism more than ever before to not only cope, but to innovate and flourish.

“Managers have more influence than perhaps they realize on the employees’ engagement, optimism, and performance, and can consciously use this influence to benefit these employees and the organization as a whole.

“We have employed a strengths-based performance perspective in our technology organization for the past few years,” says Hanover’s Tranter. “Clearly, the outcomes of this study will continue to have a greater influence on how we recruit, interview, select, and hire managers and for our organization.”

Reflect on how you as a manager and leader can implement positive leadership by practicing these behaviors:

1. Focus on and work with people’s strengths.
2. Improve the frequency with which you give praise and recognition.
3. Respond with your best game face when the going gets rough.

But as these leaders vent their frustrations, they’re actually looking in the wrong direction.

Here’s the real truth: If employees aren’t motivated, then we should look to their managers and organizational practices. Those who dismiss their teams’ grievances can sabotage staff performance and bottom-line results.

If you want your employees to perform to their best abilities, take some advice from organizational behavior expert Stephen P. Robbins, PhD, author of The Truth about Managing People (FT Press, 2007). Contrary to much of the misleading, generalized and inconsistent information found in business books, Robbins has researched human behavior and provides practical advice on what works—and what doesn’t—when managing a team.

As Robbins points out, traditional workplace incentives and disincentives function as cues for employee decision-making:

• “Do ____, and you’ll get a bonus.”
• “Don’t do ____, or you’ll get fired.”

This approach discourages employees from examining the reasons why a task may or may not make sense. It forces them to make quick, intuitive decisions based on behaviors the system has historically rewarded and punished. But there are sometimes uninvited consequences.

Let’s examine 10 common myths about motivation.

Myth #1: People simply lack the motivation to work.

If you believe this myth, think about three things that may be going on in your employees’ minds. Ask yourself:

1. Do your employees believe their maximum efforts will be recognized in performance appraisals?

For many employees, the response is a resounding “no.” Their skill level may be deficient, which means that no matter how hard they try, they’re unlikely to be high performers. Or, if the appraisal system assesses factors like loyalty or initiative, more effort won’t result in a better review. If employees think their best efforts will yield only a mediocre review, they will suffer from low motivation.

1. Do employees believe a good performance appraisal will lead to organizational rewards?When pay is allocated on seniority or special relationships, employees perceive the performance-reward relationship to be weak and demotivating.
2. Are the rewards that employees receive the ones they want?Some people want promotions, others desire pay, and still others seek more interesting assignments. When rewards aren’t tailored to employees’ specific wants and motivating drives, then incentives are suboptimized.

To motivate employees, do what’s necessary to strengthen performance-reward relationships. Make it obvious that specific behaviors will be rewarded, and always keep your word to maintain credibility and morale.

The Real Truth: If employees aren’t motivated, the fault lies with their managers and organizational practices—not the workers. If the performance-reward relationship is weak, motivation drops.

Myth #2: Happy workers are productive workers.

Everyone assumes satisfied workers are naturally more productive. This theory plays out as flexible work hours, onsite childcare and workout facilities, retirement plans and attractive workplaces. While these amenities are nice perks, they really aren’t incentives for high performance.

While there is a correlation between job satisfaction and productivity, it’s actually quite minimal: between +0.14 and +0.30. Thus, no more than 9 percent—or as low as 2 percent—of the variance in output can be attributed to employee satisfaction.

This is hardly enough to justify spending more money on making employees happier and more comfortable. Such benefits may contribute to employee retention, but not to productivity. Moreover, the evidence suggests that productive workers are more likely to be happy workers, rather than the reverse.

Productivity leads to job satisfaction. If you do a good job, you feel positive about your efforts. This, in turn, fuels your energy to accomplish more. Higher productivity should also be recognized with praise, increased pay and the opportunity to earn even greater rewards.

The Real Truth: Evidence suggests productive workers are more likely to be happy workers, rather than the reverse.

Direct your efforts toward helping employees become more productive. Find ways to increase their training, improve job design, provide better tools and resources, and remove barriers that may impede them from doing a first-rate job.

Myth #3: Tell employees to do their best, and let them find their own path.

A mountain of evidence shows us that people perform best when they’re given goals:

• Specific goals increase performance.
• Difficult goals, when accepted, result in higher performance.
• Feedback leads to higher performance.

When you give an assignment with instructions to “do your best,” you aren’t providing enough specificity. Employees perform better when they know what needs to be done, the outcomes you seek, and how much effort they’ll need to expend to achieve results.

The Real Truth: A large percentage of employees believe they lack specific goals at work. Clear, challenging goals, accompanied by feedback, set the stage for higher output.

Myth #4: People want to set their own goals.

In spite of the logic behind participatory management, there’s little evidence to show that goals set in partnership, between employee and manager, are superior to those unilaterally assigned by the boss.

Why wouldn’t people do better with goals they help set?

The explanation may lie in the reality of workplace conditions. For participation to work:

• There must be adequate time to give input.
• Issues must be relevant to employees’ interests.
• Employees must have adequate knowledge and skills to share their insights.
• The workplace culture must support employee involvement.

These conditions are sorely lacking in many workplaces, despite management’s best intentions. In addition, some people don’t want the responsibilities that come with participation. They prefer to be told what to do and let the boss do the worrying.

The Real Truth: Participation is no sure means for improving employee performance.

Myth #5: Happiness leads to “flow” experiences.

When you are deeply involved in your work, nothing else seems to matter. You lose track of time—a state known as flow. Smart managers know that flow is a particularly fertile work condition.

Flow experiences are periods of deep concentration during which workers report feelings of gratitude and satisfaction. Can managers take steps to create this state? Absolutely.

To enter into flow, employees must be:

• Challenged
• Goal-directed
• Provided with feedback
• Allowed total concentration and creativity

Flow will materialize only when managers give their employees sufficiently challenging tasks and the necessary time to apply creativity without distractions and interruptions.

The Real Truth: Flow is most likely to be experienced at work and requires periods of intense concentration, without distractions. Managers can ensure that working conditions allow such concentration and minimal interruptions.

Myth #6: Feedback needs to address personal qualities.

Telling employees that they’re doing a “good job” isn’t good enough. Neither are comments about attitudes or efforts. Feedback must be specific and about behaviors, not personal attributes.

No matter how upset you may be, limit feedback to job-related issues, and never criticize someone personally because of an inappropriate action. This is counterproductive, as it evokes strong emotional reactions that bury actual feedback.

The Real Truth: Feedback is effective when it is specific to behaviors and impersonal. Feedback should be descriptive, rather than judgmental or evaluative.

Myth #7: Reward behaviors that indicate high performance.

Unfortunately, it’s easy—and often tempting—to measure the wrong indicators.

For example, the number of phone calls an employee places doesn’t measure customer relationships or sales. And when managers reward individual accomplishments, yet consistently say they’re team-focused, employees take notice.

When you discuss the importance of quality work, pay special attention to employees who exceed their production goals, but churn out below-average work. Be sure to send the right message.

The Real Truth: Managers routinely measure behaviors they’re trying to discourage and fail to reward the ones they actually want. You get what you reward. If you want quality, reward it—and avoid rewarding quantity.

Myth #8: Reward absolute results.

We know that employees make comparisons and look at relative rewards. They evaluate what they bring to their jobs, in terms of experience, effort, education and competence, with the rewards they receive: salary, pay raises and recognition.

Employees compare their situations to those of friends, colleagues, competitors or prior jobs. They assess how equitably they’re being treated.

Your team will likely be motivated when members feel they are equitably rewarded for their contributions. When they feel under-rewarded, they become angry, and this perceived inequity can lead to absences, reduced productivity, fudging on expenses and/or requests for a raise.

The Real Truth: People compare their rewards to those that others receive. As a manager, you cannot overlook this fact, and you need to be sensitive to the perceptions of relative rewards.

Myth #9: Low-skilled workers receive pay and benefits commensurate with their value.

How do you motivate individuals who earn very low wages and lack opportunities to significantly increase their pay or receive promotions?

Traditional approaches have focused on providing more flexible work schedules and filling these jobs with teenagers or retired people. But something isn’t working: Turnover rates at fast-food restaurant chains still hover at around 300 percent annually.

Some chains have experimented with stock options and incentive pay; broader responsibilities for inventory, scheduling and hiring; and retirement plans, health insurance and scholarship money. But over a four-year period, turnover rates have been only minimally reduced: approximately 160 percent to 223 percent.

The Real Truth: Unless pay and benefits are significantly increased, high turnover will likely continue in these jobs.

Myth #10: You can systematically apply motivation strategies to produce high performance.

Job success depends on having adequate support resources. No matter how motivated employees may be, they won’t perform well if they lack equipment, work space, supplies, skills or others’ cooperation. They will quickly lose motivation, no matter the incentives or rewards offered.

As you determine why a particular worker is performing poorly, examine the work environment to see if it’s supportive. Employee performance is a combination and interaction of:

• Ability
• Motivation
• Opportunity

The Real Truth: Regardless of motivation, employee performance will suffer if the work environment is unsupportive. The most willing and able employee may face obstacles that constrain performance.

Think about the inspirational leaders of Apple, Amazon and Southwest Airlines. You can probably name them: Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, Jeff Bezos, and Herb Kelleher.

Next, try to name the leaders of General Motors, TiVo and AOL during the same period. Some were good, but very few left a leadership legacy that was strong enough to ensure future success.

Hundreds of newly published business books attempt to define the qualities of great business leaders, while claiming that leadership can be learned. But can it? Why do CEOs at top-notch companies fail to provide truly inspirational leadership?

Apparently, leadership is not easily learned or practiced, even though myriad resources—from leadership development programs to executive coaches—exist.

The situation is truly puzzling: We know competition is fierce, and most candidates for senior leadership positions are highly qualified, experienced and deeply engaged in their work. Lousy bosses are commonly weeded out in the long run, and competent bosses are usually promoted. Why, then, do so many good managers lack the requisite leadership skills?

Leading with Why

There are as many different formulas for leadership development as there are brands of cereals at your local supermarket.

Leaders who want to succeed should clearly communicate what they believe and why they’re so passionate about their cause, according to business consultant Simon Sinek, author of Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action (Portfolio, 2010).

Most people know what they do and how they do it, Sinek says, but few communicate why they do what they do.

“People don’t buy what you do; they buy into why you do it,” he writes.

If you don’t know and cannot communicate why you take specific actions, how can you expect employees to become loyal followers who support your mission? Great leaders inspire us when they connect with our hearts and emotions, says Sinek, who presents his ideas on TED TV (http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action.html).

Great leaders like Martin Luther King Jr. and Walt Disney always communicated their “why”—the reasons they acted, why they cared and their future hopes. Great business leaders follow suit:

• Herb Kelleher, founder of Southwest Airlines, believes air travel should be fun and accessible to everyone.
• Apple’s Steve Wozniak believes everyone should have a computer and, along with Steve Jobs, set out to challenge established corporations’ status quo.
• Walmart’s Sam Walton believed all people should have access to low-cost goods.
• Starbucks’ Howard Schultz wanted to create social experiences in cafés resembling those in Italy.

The Why of Apple

Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak teamed up in their 20s to challenge a computer industry designed for large corporations. Wozniak saw the personal computer as a way to provide tools to the “little guy”—to give everyone the ability to perform the same functions with similar resources.

Steve Jobs had originally sold surplus electronic parts, but he was much more than a salesman. Jobs wanted to make his mark on the world, and he envisioned building a company as the best way to start a revolution.

In Apple’s first year, with only one product, Wozniak and Jobs brought in a million dollars in revenues. Year 2 produced $10 million in sales; year 4, $100 million. Within six years, Apple Computer was a billion-dollar company with more than 3,000 employees. The computer revolution was, indeed, established.

Jobs and Wozniak were not alone in their technological quest, nor were they the smartest or most experienced of the bunch. They actually had no leadership development training or executive coaches.

What made Apple remarkable was not its fast growth, nor its unique ideas about personal computers. Apple has repeated a pattern of success over and over again. Unlike any of its competitors, the company has challenged conventional thinking within numerous industries: computers, small electronics, music, mobile phones and broader entertainment categories.

Think about this:

1. Revolutionary products in several fields
2. Founders without any special powers or mystical influence over others
3. No corner on hiring the most brilliant people

With only a 6 percent market share in the United States and about 3 percent worldwide, Apple is not a leading manufacturer of home computers. But the company nonetheless leads the computer industry in innovation and technological advancements, while becoming a force to be reckoned with in other industries, as well.

Apple’s success lies in its leaders’ ability to inspire and be true to their core values: challenge the status quo and empower people.

Apple inspires because it starts with why, according to Sinek. Company leaders communicate the reasons Apple exists, as well as their heartfelt motivation for creating new products that give customers new levels of freedom and power.

Apple has access to the same talent pool shared by every other computer company. Its leaders hire those who can eloquently verbalize their desire to be great. Those selected to join the company can achieve this goal because their leaders communicate passion and their “why.”

Creating Loyalty

There are leaders, and then there are those who actually lead. Every executive who supervises others must be prepared to motivate—a skill that really isn’t difficult. It requires you to create loyal customers and workers who link themselves to your higher cause.

General Motors so successfully motivated people to buy their cars, for example, they sold more than any other automaker in the world for over 77 years. Although they were first in their industry, they did not inspire loyalty.

External incentives or benefits are insufficient. True leaders create followers who are inspired—not simply swayed by marketing or hype. Their willingness to act is rooted in a deeply personal cause that is greater than themselves—even if it means making a personal sacrifice. They’re willing to pay a premium, put up with inconvenience, and even ignore their own pain and suffering. They will do whatever it takes to follow your ideas because they believe in you or your company.

The leaders who helped create the iPhone, iPod and iPad don’t complain about long hours or technological challenges. They remain dedicated to finding solutions that improve others’ lives. They don’t inspire employees with money, gym facilities or company picnics. They inspire their employees to care about why.

As for customers, never mistake repeat business for loyalty. Repeat business means people do business with you multiple times. Loyalty means people are willing to turn down a better offer to continue doing business with you. Loyal customers don’t even bother to research the competition or other options.

Creating Dream Jobs

Studies have shown that more than 80 percent of U.S. employees don’t believe they’re working in their dream jobs. What if leaders could change this? What if they began to inspire their people with why they do what they do, instead of the what and the how of company policies and procedures? What if 80 percent of your workforce actually thought they had landed their dream jobs?

People who love going to work are more creative and productive. They go home feeling satisfied and have happier families. They treat their colleagues and customers better. Inspired people are the glue that holds strong companies together, while also increasing bottom lines.

Inspired employees care because you care. You may know why you fought long and hard to ascend to a leadership position, but you cannot inspire others until they buy into the “why” and become self-motivated.

You know you’ve succeeded when employees’ beliefs resonate with your own, when they demonstrate their loyalty and when they’re willing to turn down better offers or other options.

The Brain Science of Inspiration

Sinek created a diagram called “The Golden Circle,” which represents how successful leaders and companies motivate people.

Those who start with why engage others’ brains long before explaining how they intend to get things done and addressing what they need to accomplish.

Martin Luther King Jr. engaged the world’s hearts and minds when he started his speech with those four famous words: “I have a dream.” He stressed that people of all races needed to bond for a better future. He didn’t say, “I have a plan,” or explain how he intended to change laws and practices.

Starting communications with “why” works because it’s based in biology. While messages are simultaneously processed by all parts of the brain, the area most responsible for decision-making registers subconscious thoughts, lacks language, uses gut intuition, and is heavily influenced by feelings and drives for survival.

This part of the brain wants to know: What’s in it for me? Is this pleasure or pain? A threat or something that will make my life easier? Can I trust the messenger? Does he/she have my best interests at heart?

When you share your greater cause and higher purpose, listeners filter the message and decide to trust you (or not). When listeners’ values and purpose resonate with your own, they are primed to become followers who will favorably perceive subsequent messages.

You cannot gain a foothold in someone’s brain by leading with what you want them to do. You must first communicate why it’s important.

The Shift from Why to How and What

Leaders who start with a strong why will ultimately focus on the how and what of their businesses: metrics of success, shareholder interests and short-term results.

Their why can become fuzzy once they attain a certain degree of success and become entrenched in the battle to achieve better results.

Strive to be one of those leaders who never lose sight of why they do what they do and why people should care. Only then will you inspire your people to attain sustainable success.

~ Lou Gerstner, IBM’s former CEO

Emotions are critical to business success because they drive behaviors. Companies that achieve an emotional buy-in from consumers and employees will have a competitive advantage in a world of increasing commoditization.

Business has a long tradition of ignoring emotions in favor of rationality. Feelings are disregarded as messy, dangerous, inferior and even irrelevant to day-to-day operations. In marketing and in managing, the emphasis has been on appealing to the rationality of people.

But a growing body of scientific evidence reveals that subconscious feelings drive decisions, up to 95% of which are made through the brain’s emotion centers and only then filtered into its cognitive parts. Psychologists, neuroscientists and behavioral economists now agree that leaders who fail to understand how emotions drive actions will ultimately fail.

Emotionally astute leaders leverage feelings to gain employee commitment, engagement and performance, according to Dan Hill, CEO of Sensory Logic and author of Emotionomics: Leveraging Emotions for Business Success (Kogan Page, 2008). Similarly, experts featured in a Time magazine cover story (January 17, 2005) confirmed the link between satisfaction and productivity, citing a 10 percent improvement in job performance among fulfilled employees.

A company’s emotional climate may account for up to 30 percent of job performance, according to case studies that Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee reviewed for their book, Primal Leadership (2002). CEOs, they note, are responsible for creating more than 50 percent of this climate.

3 Keys to Leadership Success

Numerous studies indicate that sustainable business success depends on three key leadership areas:

1. The greater good. Leaders must influence others to join a cause greater than making a profit or creating good products or services. They give employees reasons to believe in the company and its leadership ideals. They establish themselves as credible, trustworthy and unselfish—role models who are looking out for the group and individual performers. They ask others to join “us,” without sacrificing their “me.”
2. Clear vision. Continual change may be traumatic for employees, so leaders must paint a convincing picture of the future that motivates and prepares people for what’s coming.
3. Cohesive culture. Employees expect their leaders to read a situation in emotional terms and proactively foster a climate of participation and collaboration. Leaders also devote time and energy to grooming talent, as well as recognizing and rewarding good work.

Each of these leadership roles requires emotional awareness and, most importantly, the ability to express appropriate feelings effectively. Having clear ideals and beliefs serves no good if leaders cannot connect on an emotional level with those they lead.

In turn, leaders must learn how to express their own emotions. Years of education and training, with an emphasis on cognitive skills, may mean they’re far from adroit at managing their own feelings.

Because most emotions are perceived nonverbally, there may be a disconnect between what leaders say and what they actually communicate. Emotional astuteness requires an awareness of what one feels, verbalizes and conveys through nonverbal communication. Conversely, leaders must learn to read others’ emotions—individually and in groups—to ask the right questions and build trust.

The Greater Good: Character Matters

Leaders should strive to get people on board and promote enthusiasm, but many miss the mark. Workplace statistics show that only 25 percent of employees are truly engaged.

Senior management’s goal is to develop an atmosphere of trust and generosity of spirit. When leaders give workers something they can believe in—a cause greater than the common good—they engage both hearts and minds.

From a psychological standpoint, most of us seek meaning in our lives, and many of us find it through our work. Leaders can facilitate this by communicating their own beliefs, passions and ideals.

The Leadership Trust Gap

Two barriers create a trust gap between leaders and their staffs:

1. The financial chasm that results from large pay disparities
2. A disconnect between verbal and nonverbal communication

While there is an inherent desire to identify and bond with one’s leader, people instinctively defend their own interests and exercise caution before committing their careers and livelihoods to anyone.

No one wants to commit to the wrong cause or person, which clearly highlights the importance of leaders’ honesty and authenticity.

Pay Disparities

Pay disparities can throw a massive wrench into the trust equation.

In 1990, the average American worker earned $27,000. Adjusted for inflation, this figure remains constant two decades later. But CEO compensation in the United States has increased 100 to 400 percent, and surveys show that 90 percent of institutional investors believe most executives are overpaid.

It doesn’t take a degree in psychology to predict that envy leads to divisiveness. Such pay disparities between top leaders and their employees undermine workers’ security and sense of well-being. To make matters worse, the constant threat of downsizing and outsourcing magnify people’s fears.

This explains why employees struggle to see their leaders as invested in a shared outcome. But leaders who recognize trust-gap factors can prepare to deal with these issues by establishing an emotionally solvent, personal connection with their people.

Flailing leaders may need to engage executive coaches to help them work on their “emotional intelligence.” Employees are laboring in a harsh economy, so leaders need to learn and practice empathy, honesty and authenticity.

Nonverbal Communications

The second obstacle to overcome is the disconnect between what a leader says and actually feels. As a leader, you will experience a “say/feel” gap when your messages are incongruent with your physical expressions. In truth, facial expressions convey your feelings much more accurately than any words you say.

Research about messages estimates that 55 percent of meaning is derived from body language, 38 percent from vocal intonation and only 7 percent from the actual words.

We discern emotional content from others’ facial expressions, with seven universal emotions found across all cultures. In research done by Paul Eckmann in 2003, there are seven basic facial expressions of emotions:

1. Positive: happiness
2. Neutral: surprise
3. Negative: anger, fear, sadness, disgust and contempt

Studies of CEOs’ facial expressions reveal that honest and robust social smiles trump all others when one wants employees to feel hopeful and buy into goals. The worst possible expressions are dislike, especially when combined with anxiety (fear). Condescending, scared leaders will invariably cut themselves off from others.

The key here is for leaders to acquire knowledge of how congruent their nonverbal facial expressions are with their intended message. Again, working with an executive coach can help.

Clear Vision

Employees require reassurance that they will be protected by astute, decisive leaders who know how to steer the company through tumultuous times. Leaders’ strategic instincts—and how they are communicated to followers—will determine the overall level of confidence and support. This requires accurate self-awareness.

The immediate impact of change is often quite negative, so emotional concerns must be alleviated. Emotionally astute leaders recognize there is always resistance, especially at the beginning of change initiatives. While emotional dynamics should be factored into change-management planning, they rarely are.

It’s your job to provide hope while alleviating fear—not by denying it, but by predicting it, being honest about it and normalizing it. Successful leaders translate vision into action by explaining why a company is taking a new direction, as well as the consequences for failing to act.

Be honest when addressing why your company can no longer cling to the status quo. Workers’ emotional desire for security will motivate them to accept changes that initially cause them to recoil. To make a clear case, focus on emotional benefits. You can subsequently invoke a sense of victory, ensure greater job security and get your troops excited about a fresh new direction. They will then be more receptive to rational analysis of facts and data.

Make sure your message is clear, simple, heartfelt and aligned with your company’s current emotional climate. Incorporate body language and facial expressions that strengthen the impact of your words.

Cohesive Culture

The mark of great CEOs or senior leaders is their ability to build companies where employees feel welcome to participate, collaborate and receive recognition. Building a corporate culture that inspires employees to give their best requires three qualities, according to authors Kouzes’ and Posner’s worldwide survey on effective leadership (The Leadership Challenge):

1. Honesty
2. Forward-looking
3. Inspirational

These three qualities determine the effectiveness of a good leader. Honesty always comes first, as employees need to know whether they trust their leaders enough to follow them. The ability to look forward helps people feel more secure about the direction in which they’ll be heading (provided they believe in a positive outcome).

Inspiration is not a form of vague charisma. Leaders must have the ability to inspire goodwill and hope. Foster positive feelings in those you lead—sooner, rather than later.

Emotions Matter: An Action Plan

Evolution gave us feeling before thinking. Leaders must therefore quell fears before expecting employees to embrace the cold, hard facts. As Dan Hill writes in Emotionomics:

“Changing people’s beliefs is hard work: Selling them on what they already believe and feel is far easier.”

Facts are malleable, but our gut instincts are unyielding. Every leader must understand that:

• The human side of business consumes most of a company’s operating costs. Failure to be emotionally adept is counterproductive—perhaps even suicidal.
• Employees are the players who turn their CEO’s dreams of progress from a nuts-and-bolts strategic plan into reality—an outcome that requires emotional commitment.

The following action steps can help you achieve your desired results:

1. Create faith in a “greater we” by establishing yourself as a leader who’s a real person—not the heir apparent to a big title, office and salary.
2. Be more personable in your communications. Only then can you generate the emotional momentum necessary to push through change.
3. Communicate a vision that inspires pride. Negative feelings can undo a company during a period of change, and they’re highly contagious. Become a student of nonverbal expressions and body language.
4. Meet with employees in person, and use face time to connect with them and solicit or accept advice. Greater familiarity leads to sound relationships.

In Social Intelligence: The New Science of Success (2009), management consultant Karl Albrecht explores how SI — “the ability to get along well with others and to get them to cooperate with you”—plays out in executive interactions. He suggests it’s “a combination of a basic understanding of people — a kind of strategic awareness — and a set of component skills for interacting successfully with them.”

Albrecht proposes five distinct dimensions that contribute to social competencies:

1. Situational Awareness: A social radar used to read situations and interpret people’s behaviors in terms of possible intentions, emotional states and proclivity to interact.
2. Presence: A range of verbal and nonverbal patterns, to include one’s appearance, posture, vocal quality and subtle movements — a collection of signals that others process into an evaluative impression.
3. Authenticity: Others’ social radar, whose signals lead them to believe we are honest, open, ethical, trustworthy and well-intentioned — or not.
4. Clarity: Our ability to explain ourselves, illuminate ideas, accurately pass data, and articulate our views and proposed actions — all of which enable others to cooperate with us.
5. Empathy: A shared feeling between two people; a state of connectedness that creates the basis for positive interaction and collaboration.

People-Reading

We assign meaning to gestures, facial expressions and vocal intonations. But research shows we’re only 20 percent successful at reading body language.

Consider the many clues we may miss during critical negotiations or board presentations. Have you ever left a meeting wondering how you fared? If so, you likely focused intensely on your presentation and failed to observe and decode others’ communication signals.

You cannot interpret signals if you’re not seeing them. An inner focus prevents you from observing, hearing, filtering, asking questions and interpreting signs. You’re simply not taking advantage of all observable data.

The Invisible Iceberg

The stimuli we hear and see are merely the tip of a complex psychological iceberg. We know, with only one glance, when someone is upset. Many of us can walk into a meeting, instantly sense the tone and appropriately adjust our demeanor.

Why, then, can two people observe the same circumstances and draw completely different conclusions?

The brain filters incoming observations before it allows us to reach a conclusion. Common internal variables may alter this process:

• Biases
• Flawed assumptions
• Memories
• Urgencies
• Agendas
• Fears
• Paranoia

“Truly advanced people-readers take this into consideration and strive to objectify their conclusions by factoring in the filters of their own world view,” writes communication consultant Harrison Monarth in Executive Presence: The Art of Commanding Respect Like a CEO (McGraw-Hill, 2009).

Optimizing Outcomes

When mastering the art of people-reading, your ultimate goal is optimizing outcomes, not judging others.

In sales, this means understanding what prospects really need, their possible objections and tailoring your presentation accordingly. With your boss, it means avoiding potential hot buttons and predicting standards of successful performance. Selective timing and customized verbal and nonverbal messages are critical.

Each step requires the ability to read moods, sense levels of stress or distraction, and gauge openness and risk levels.  Learn to say and do the right things, at the right time, with the right people.

The more you observe about others, while filtering out your internal biases, the more effective and empowered you’ll become at reading people and situations accurately.

The Influence of Context

Much of social dumbness comes from not paying attention to available clues. We fail to see them when we’re focused on crafting our best message and delivering it to successfully persuade others to our point of view.

All human interaction takes place in a context or a setting. Context creates meaning, and meaning shapes people’s behavior.

3 Context Dynamics to Observe

Watch for the following dimensions in any given situation:

1. The Proxemic Context: The dynamics of the physical space in which people are interacting, the structures and positions within that space, and the way people’s behaviors are influenced by it. This includes the relative degree of physical proximity we tolerate; use of space as an aspect of culture; and differences in distance, contact and posture.
2. The Behavioral Context: The patterns of action, emotions, motivation and intention that show up in human interactions.
3. The Semantic Context: The patterns of language used in the discourse, which signal—overtly and covertly—the nature of the relationships, differences in status and social class, governing social codes, and the degree of understanding created (or prevented) by language habits.

4 Steps for Better People-Reading Skills

1. Start using your senses instead of going through the day on autopilot. Sit in an airport, a restaurant or a mall and watch people. Try to figure out their relationships in couples or groups. Notice their moods, clothing and the ways they position themselves with others.
2. Observe the spaces in which you find yourself. Who sits where in meetings? How are offices or work spaces laid out? How does this communicate status or authority?
3. Listen for the various ways people use language to signal their social status and authority. How do people use slang, figures of speech, specialized vocabularies and clichés?
4. Observe the nonverbal signals people use to define and reinforce their relationships. How does the boss convey approachability? How do others do this?