Have you noticed that some people have a knack for getting through to people, convincing them to buy into their plans, goals and desires?

It may seem like magic, but it really isn’t. The art of persuasion is easier to learn than you may think.

When you look for and find that “loose brick“ — what the other person really needs from you — you can tear down even the strongest barriers and connect with people in ways you never thought possible.

Right now, if you’re like most, there are a few people in your life to whom you can’t seem to get through. They may be team members, subordinates, clients or maybe even your boss. Perhaps it’s a partner or spouse, defiant teen or angry “ex.”

You try persuasion, logic, pleading, and bargaining, but you hit a wall every time. The more you try, the more your efforts backfire.

Most people, when faced with resistance, up-shift to higher gears. They speak louder, persuade harder, encourage, cajole, and then argue and push. The end result is greater resistance.

When you do the opposite, however — when you just listen, ask, mirror and reflect back to people what you hear — you’ll achieve the results you seek. You’ll start to get through to the people you need to reach, no matter how difficult they can be.

Why People Don’t Hear You

Almost all communication is an effort to get through to people and influence them to do something different.

The problem, however, is that people have their own needs, desires and agendas. They have secrets they don’t want to share with you. They’re stressed, busy and often overwhelmed. To cope, they throw up impenetrable mental barricades, even if they share your goals.

The Persuasion Cycle

In Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, psychiatrist Mark Goulston shares some of the techniques hostage negotiators use in the most desperate situations. They also work well for reaching a boss, coworker, client, spouse or angry teenager.

As Goulston notes, persuasion moves through a cycle:

• From resisting to listening

• From listening to considering

• From considering to willing to do

• From willing to do to doing

• From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

Buy-in begins when people move from resisting to listening to considering what you‘re saying. How do you get a person to go from the critical stage of resisting to listening? First, you listen to them.

An understanding of three concepts will allow you to see what’s happening in someone’s head when you’re trying to achieve buy-in:

1. The three-part brain (reptile, mammal, upper primate/human)

2. The “amygdala hijack”

3. Mirror neurons (and the mirror neuron deficit)

The Three-Part Brain

Our brains evolved from lower animals:

• Our primitive reptilian brain remains responsible for split-second survival reactions (i.e., the “freeze, fight or flight” response).

• The middle mammalian brain is the seat of emotions, where the “inner drama queen” reigns.

• The upper primate/human brain is personified by Star Trek’s Mr. Spock. It weighs a situation logically and generates a conscious plan of action. It collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, analyzes it, and makes practical, ethical decisions.

Often, however, we don’t engage the upper brain faculties until it’s too late and damage has been done. To a small extent, these three brains work together, but they also function independently, especially under stress. This is what happens when people shift, becoming difficult and hard to reach.

The Amygdala Hijack

The amygdala is a part of the brain that processes memory and emotional reactions (especially fear and anger).

When it takes over, the primitive reptile brain runs the show, and surges of adrenaline keep us from thinking clearly over the next few minutes — an effect that may take hours to fade.

The term “amygdala hijack,” first coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, refers to what happens under acute stress.

When you try to reason with someone in a full amygdala hijack, you’re wasting your time. You must speak to him before the hijack occurs — or talk him down from it using empathy.

Mirror Neurons

Years ago, when scientists were studying Macaque monkeys’ brains, they found that specific nerve cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. To their surprise, these same cells fired when one monkey watched another perform these acts.

When the brain’s “mirror neurons” fire, we have the ability to be transported into another person’s mind, briefly making us feel what the other person is experiencing. These cells are nature’s way of teaching us to care about other people.

Neurologist V.S. Ramachandran, director of the Center for Human Information Processing at the University of California, San Diego, calls them “empathy neurons” or “Dalai Lama neurons,” as they dissolve the barriers between self and others.

Most of us want to be heard and understood by others. We’re willing to be touched if someone breaks through the walls we erect to avoid being hurt or controlled.

In the workplace, this may prove challenging, as we worry about being inappropriate or intrusive. We don’t want to risk delving too deeply into how someone’ emotions.

As a result, Goulston suggests that many of us suffer from a “mirror neuron receptor deficit.” Many CEOs and managers feel they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility, or worse, no response at all. Their brains don’t get enough mirror neuron receptor activity. In other words, there’s not enough empathy going around the office.

3 Core Rules for Getting Through to People

“These days we’re experts at ‘hot-syncing’ — getting different pieces of technology, like BlackBerrys and PCs, to talk to each other. Few of us, however, are experts when it comes to hot-syncing with other people.” —Mark Goulston

You probably already know how to handle a tense situation intelligently. You wouldn’t be in your position today if you didn’t. At least subconsciously, you’re experienced in going from attack mode to emotional mode to smart mode.

Every difficult conversation involves your reptile, mammalian and human brains. Unfortunately, much of your wisdom lies buried in your instincts. You can’t always access what’s required to manage tense emotions at the precise moment you need it.

Typically, a few minutes after a stressful encounter, your pulse and breathing start to slow, and you calm down a little. Shortly thereafter, you gain enough self-control to begin reviewing your options. And later, you start thinking, “There’s a smart way to resolve this so everybody wins.”

But if you’ve reacted with harsh words in the heat of the moment, you may have already screwed up a sale, alienated a coworker or lost someone’s esteem.

Rule 1: Move from “Oh, F#@&!” to “OK”

In a stressful encounter, you may have less than two minutes to gain control and salvage the situation—a slender window of opportunity that gives you an advantage over everyone else in the room. You’ll be the only person who’s thinking straight.

Goulston recommends a five-step mental process during such crises, whether you’re dealing with a fender-bender, an enraged teenager or a work situation:

1. “Oh, F#@&!” (Reaction Phase): “This is a disaster. I’m screwed. What just happened? It’s all over.”
2. “Oh, God!” (Release Phase): “This is a huge mess. I’m stuck with it. Why does this always happen to me?”
3. “Oh, Jeez!” (Re-Center Phase): “All right, I can fix this, but it’s not going to be fun.”
4. “Oh, Well…” (Refocus Stage): “I’m not going to let this ruin my life/career/day/relationship. Here’s what I need to do right now to make it better.”
5. “OK.” (Reengage Phase): “OK, I’m ready to fix this. Let’s go.”

Goulston is not saying that you can solve a crisis in two minutes. You can’t. But you can think your way through to possible solutions quickly. These mental steps give you a way to create a path out of panic mode and into solution mode. You’ll then be able to say the right things instead of making things worse.

Rule 2: Rewire Yourself to Listen

Many of us don’t listen well, especially with the people we deal with each day. We think we already know what they’re going to say. 

As a result, we mistake insecurity for arrogance, fear for stubbornness and legitimate anger for a dismissive “he’s just a jerk.” We talk around, over and up against people, with little actual listening to them.

We often size people up instantly, forming some pretty good first impressions. The problem is, these impressions last forever, and many are a jumbled mix of fact, fiction, prejudice and unconscious intuitions. They affect our conversations with others for months or even years to come.

We use the following filters to put people in mental boxes before we really know them:

• Gender (and all the stereotypes that go with it…)

• Generation (age)

• Ethnic background (names, skin color, accent, etc.)

• Education (level, manner of speaking)

• Looks (dress, hair, body size, style)

Check your filters, and examine how well you truly hear what someone is saying.

Rule 3: Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can change the dynamics of a relationship in a heartbeat. In that instant, you “get” each other, and this breakthrough leads to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication.

When you mirror what another person feels, she’s hardwired to mirror you in return. When you say, “I understand what you’re feeling” — and you mean it — she will feel grateful and, in return, express her appreciation with a desire to understand you. It’s an irresistible biological urge that pulls another person toward you.

Inside every angry person is a scared or nervous soul in need of empathy. If you ignore this person’s feelings, you’ll keep hitting the same brick wall of anger, antagonism or apathy.

When you make the person feel “felt,” you’re likely to transform yourself from a stranger or enemy to a friend and ally. You’ll get less attitude and obstruction, more support and an improved chance to get your message through. If this sounds too simple to be true, go ahead and try it out for yourself.

Phrases for Difficult Conversations

Use these phrases to help someone feel “felt”:

• “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling, and I think it’s ______ (fill in an emotion). Is that correct?” Listen without judgment or comment.
• “What are you feeling?”
• “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Allow the person to vent.
• “And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset) is because (repeat back to them what they’ve told you).” Again, let the person vent.
• “Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” Listen without judgment or argument.
• “What part can I play in making this happen? What part are you willing to play?”

This script isn’t written in stone. These phrases are meant to be guides or starting points for breaking through to someone.

The goal is to move them from barricading to feeling “felt”—from resisting to listening, from listening to considering.

A new generation of sophisticated information and communication technologies, together with new forms of business reorganization and management, is wiping out full-time employment for millions of blue- and white-collar workers.

What does this mean? There is work, but it’s not the same as it used to be. There are jobs, but not the same ones offered a few years ago. And unless you want to go after menial work, you’ll need to acquire a disciplined education and variety of experiences, while also developing a highly valued mind.

Our Mind(s) Matter

In Five Minds for the Future (Harvard Business School Press, 2007), noted psychologist Howard Gardner says our mind — actually, minds — matters. We achieve greater professional success by learning how to think and learn in new ways.

Gardner believes five different kinds of minds are critical to remaining a highly prized asset in your organization, especially in times of economic cutbacks:

1. The Disciplined Mind

The disciplined mind has mastered at least one way of thinking — a mode of cognition that belongs to a specific scholarly discipline, craft or profession. Lawyers think like lawyers, engineers like engineers, managers like managers.

Start by figuring out the central concepts of the discipline you wish to master. The field you choose has key foundational concepts, methods and procedures.

You need to develop many “entry points” into your discipline. Those who have mastered a subject can think about it in many ways: storytelling, debate, graphics, humor, drama or classic exposition. If you communicate your expertise in only one medium, then you don’t really know your subject.

The end goal is to “perform your understanding.” This isn’t mere recitation of known case studies or performance of standard experiments. You must use your knowledge to attack problems you’ve never seen. You then need expert feedback to determine how well you fared.

2. The Synthesizing Mind

The synthesizing mind is adept at selecting crucial information from the copious amounts available, across disciplines.

You must recognize important new information and skills and then incorporate them into your knowledge base and professional repertoire.

You must discern what merits your attention and what to ignore, organizing this information in ways that make sense to yourself and others.

3. The Creating Mind

Human creativity is at a premium. Businesses want employees who can develop a “new vision” and “extend existing product categories,” on top of completing their daily work.

Creative thinkers are no longer deemed exceptional; they’re the expected new hire. Work by psychologists like Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi show that creativity is not a lone endeavor, but three elements that interact to foster lasting breakthroughs:

1. An individual must master a discipline or area and constantly work at it.
2. Creativity requires a “cultural domain” that provides models, rules and norms to work with or against.
3. The creative individual needs opportunities to perform.

The key ingredient is a creative temperament (which need not be innate). Creative people are dissatisfied with their own work and that of others. They go against the grain; it may be painful, but the alternative is even more excruciating. They notice anomalies and try to explain them, rather than explain them away.

Generally, creative people are tough, tenacious and undeterred by hard work or failures. Even when they do succeed, they look over the horizon to find the next mountain to climb.

4. The Respectful Mind

The respectful mind responds sympathetically and constructively to differences among individuals and groups. Those with respectful minds work beyond mere tolerance and political correctness; they develop the capacity for forgiveness.

Human beings naturally band into groups—and as soon as such groups form, members start to dislike one another. This pattern appears repeatedly in humans and other primates, for that matter.

To succeed, you must cultivate respect for others. Teaching respectfulness in school is certainly a promising means of fostering tolerance, and many schools put it into practice by requiring students of various backgrounds to work on joint projects with shared goals. With this kind of foundation, students can continue to cultivate tolerance and respect when they graduate to the workplace and political realm.

5. The Ethical Mind

Ethically minded individuals strive for good work and ethical balance in micro to global environments.

Four tools, while not sufficient for good work, are probably necessary:

1. A mission. Without a mission, you don’t know what you’re aiming to achieve. Try to develop a clear, actionable mission statement that embodies your values.
2. One or more good models.  Without models, doing the ethical thing is much harder.
3. An individual version of the “mirror test.” Look into the mirror and ask yourself if you like what you see. Do you approve of what you’re doing at work? It’s easy to deceive yourself, so get confirmation from people you respect.
4. A professional version of the mirror test. Look into the mirror and see if your colleagues are living up to their professional obligations. If not, what can you do to improve the ethical fiber of your profession?

The Future Is Now

In reality, many individuals in positions of influence are deficient in one or more of the five kinds of minds discussed here.

Shrewd managers or leaders select people who already possess these minds. They then challenge their employees to maintain, sharpen and catalyze their capacities so teams can work together effectively and serve as role models for future recruits.

The critical questions to ask yourself are:

1. With which of these minds do I already show strength?
2. How can I improve my mental capabilities?
3. Where can I stretch my abilities to enable growth?
4. Which of these minds do I need to learn?
5. Who in my organization can help mentor me?

Some of the “bad” things that happen to hardworking, well-meaning, capable people each day include:

• Missing the big opportunity
• Getting passed over for a promotion
• Getting demoted
• Losing a lot of money
• Getting fired
• Going bankrupt

What happens to us when our worst career nightmares come true?

There may not be scandalous headlines in the local papers, but with the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing, there may as well be.

Public or company humiliations suck the air out of one’s spirit, making it hard to carry on with dignity and drive. Our lifeblood and mental energy are drained.

Career-altering events can happen to anyone — and they do. But when they happen to us, they seem incomprehensible, largely because we’ve worked so hard to be nice, dedicated and well-meaning.

But even when we can partially blame the economy, there comes a time when we must take a hard look at what we could have done differently. Despite faltering companies, imperfect leaders, coworkers who don’t like us and other external variables, we must eventually engage in private, honest  introspection. It’s time to ask: What part did I play in the events leading up to the career crisis?

Defining Mojo

Historically and culturally, the word “mojo” has been associated with witchcraft and voodoo—specifically, the ability to cast spells. Over the years, it has become urban slang for personal power, magnetism and charisma.

In business speak today, mojo refers to the moment we do something purposeful and powerful — an act lauded by others. In sports, business and politics, the term has evolved to describe a sense of positive direction.

For some, mojo represents personal advancement: moving forward, making progress, achieving goals, clearing hurdles, passing the competition — and doing so with increasing ease. What you’re doing matters, and you enjoy it. Star athletes call this being “in the zone.” Others describe it as “flow.”

Mojo plays a vital role in our pursuit of happiness and meaning, as it involves achieving two simple goals: loving what you do and showing it.

Lost Mojo

In Mojo: How to Get It, How to Keep It, How to Get It Back If You Lose It, leadership expert Marshall Goldsmith introduces the term “nojo” — the opposite of mojo.

Nojo sufferers approach their work negatively. They’re bored, frustrated, dispirited and confused about the dark tunnel that envelops their career — and they aren’t shy about sharing their dissatisfaction with others.

Nojo happens when we experience a career failure and don’t get over it. Individuals who are incapable of looking inward to identify their role in a negative event get stuck — and stay stuck. As their spirit sours, they’re never able to recapture their mojo.

In some cases, people seem to have mojo one day and nojo the next. This volatility is often caused by a series of ongoing, hard-to-spot mistakes that in time lead to a crisis. If we can recognize our errors early, we can prevent events from spiraling out of control.

Common Career Mistakes

Goldsmith lists seven professional mistakes that contribute to career failures in otherwise competent, successful and smart people:

1. Over-committing
2. Waiting for the Facts to Change
3. Looking for Logic in All the Wrong Places
4. Bashing the Boss
5. Refusing to Change Because of “Sunk Costs”
6. Confusing the Mode You’re in

7. Maintaining Pointless Arguments

1. a. Let me keep talking.
2. b. I had it rougher than you.
3. c. Why did you do that?
4. d. It’s not fair.

As you examine these potential pitfalls, try to pinpoint the ones to which you’re predisposed.

1. Over-committing

If you’re good at what you do and like your job, it’s easy to take on new challenges. You’re bursting with mojo. People want you in their meetings and on their teams.

The old adage, “If you want something done, just ask a busy person,” may apply to you. And if you’re ambitious, the last thing you want to admit to your boss or coworkers is that you can’t handle everything.

If you believe you have superpowers, you will box yourself into a corner by taking on too many tasks. At that point, the quality of work and good humor will begin to fail, and you’ll lose your mojo (and possibly much more).

Ironically, the habit of over-committing has an unintended consequence: It makes us appear under-committed — a perception rarely appreciated by customers, colleagues or bosses.

2. Waiting for the Facts to Change

When we experience a setback, it’s not uncommon for us to wait for the facts to change into something more to our liking. Such wishful thinking is the opposite of over-committing, as it leads to under-acting. Instead of doing something, you freeze and do nothing.

When the facts are hard to swallow, ask yourself: “What path would I take if I knew the situation won’t get any better?” Then, get ready to pursue that path.

Doing nothing is akin to moving backward — a behavior you cannot afford in a constantly changing world.

3. Looking for Logic in All the Wrong Places

We devote many professional hours to finding logic in situations where none exists.

Human beings are profoundly illogical. Our minds crave order, fairness and justice, and we’re trained to value logic. But much of life, work and decisions that affect us are unreasonable, unfair or unjust, which sets us up for disappointment and can kill mojo.

We sometimes hope logic will prevail against all odds and that it will prove we’re in the right. If we capriciously stick to our guns until the bitter end, everyone will see how right we are. In the meantime, we seriously damage important relationships.

4. Bashing the Boss

Talent-management firm DDI found that the average American spends 15 hours a month criticizing or complaining about his or her boss. Indeed, boss-bashing is a popular diversion.

But while it may relieve tension and get a few laughs, denigrating your boss is not particularly attractive. Other people will wonder what you’ll say about them when they’re not around.

Bashing doesn’t build a better boss. It only serves to tarnish your reputation and lower your mojo. The negativity you spread will almost certainly affect others’ mojo, too.

5. Refusing to Change Because of “Sunk Cost”

Once incurred, a sunk cost cannot be recovered. Unfortunately, it’s also the basis for many irrational decisions that go against our best interest. When we throw more money at a problem and hope for different results, we compound the error — all because we cannot admit our error.

Each of us has sunk costs in our lives. We didn’t become successful because of luck; rather, we had to invest a big piece of ourselves in our work. At some point, this investment may have stopped paying off, without our awareness.

Are your decisions based on what you might lose or what you have to gain? It it’s the former, your devotion to sunk costs may be costing you more than you know: your mojo.

6. Confusing the Mode You’re in

We have two modes of behavior: professional and relaxed. Our professional selves are image-conscious. We pay attention to how we look, dress, speak and behave. We can’t afford to be sloppy.

In relaxed mode, some of us go to opposite extremes. We’re less guarded about everything, including our speech, language and use of humor.

So, what happens when we’re in relaxed mode, but still in the company of work colleagues and friends? Are we sarcastic and cynical in ways inappropriate to the office setting?

The more you close the gap between who you are as a professional and who you are when relaxed, the greater the trust and confidence you’ll generate. You’ll demonstrate genuineness, and you’ll avoid slipping into sloppiness with humor and language, which can put a dent in your mojo.

7. Maintaining Pointless Arguments

Arguing happens anytime you put a group of intelligent, successful people into a room and give them a problem to solve. It also happens simply because people have egos, and it’s human nature to compete with other members of the tribe.

Arguing can put our mojo at risk by needlessly creating enemies instead of allies. Many arguments are traps in which we fight to improve our status among the tribe, rather than to solve a problem for the greater good.

Learn to avoid the following argument traps that do nothing more than zap your spirit:

a. Let me keep talking: Everyone has opinions and enjoys expressing them. In fact, we feel it’s our right to do so. Sometimes, however, we just can’t stop; we have to have the last word. It can be very hard for smart people to “just let it go.”

b. I had it rougher than you: When we revel in how poor we were and how much we had to overcome to achieve our current station in life, all we’re doing is trying to elicit other people’s admiration. What’s the point?

c. Why did you do that? We’ll never know people’s true motivations. We can speculate with generosity or paranoia, but we never may get a completely frank answer. Why waste hours trying to get to the bottom of why people do things? It will only exhaust your mojo.

d. It’s not fair: You disagree with a decision that has been made. Worse, you believe you haven’t been given a legitimate explanation. Arguing won’t change the outcome and makes you look childish. Deal with it. Save your precious mojo.

These four “losing” arguments have the same end result: no change in outcome. Look for ways to make your point, and then move on, with your mojo intact.

Mojo Recuperation

What can you do when you recognize these behaviors in yourself?

It’s easy to say, “OK, guess I’ll stop doing that.” It’s harder to maintain progress whenever you seek lasting behavior change.

Someone once asked Goldsmith, “Does anyone ever really change?” After surveying 86,000 former clients and, later on, more than 250,000 respondents from his leadership development seminars, his conclusion is unequivocal:

“Very few people achieve positive, lasting change without ongoing follow-up. Unless they know at the end of the day (or week or month) that someone is going to measure if they’re doing what they promised to do, most people fall prey to inertia.”

The key words in Goldsmith’s statement are “measure” and “follow-up.” Because very few people can succeed alone with self-help efforts, many seek assistance from a mentor or executive coach.

Always remember that your competition continually responds to a changing business environment by working longer and harder. This means mojo is not an option; it’s a career differentiator. You need it to separate yourself from the throng — and your personal spirit will ultimately thank you.

Business is fundamentally an extended conversation. Whether you’re speaking with your boss, team members, colleagues or direct reports, conversations shape what gets done.

The quality of your conversations matters most, providing either:

• Clarity or confusion
• Collaboration or competition
• Inspiration or resistance
• Profound connection or disengaged boredom

As a leader, you must engineer conversations to foster clarity, cooperation, creativity and a connection to company values.

Too often, we let our results-driven culture provide words that render conversations stale and lifeless. We speak in terms of measurable goals, key economic indicators, cash-flow projections, action plans, and process and procedure.

We speak rapidly, using jargon, throwing out the latest buzzwords as though one or two key phrases will suffice. True conversations are replaced by quick interactions, where two people deliver words as fast as possible, and in only one direction. We’re suffering from a lack of genuine inquiry into what other people are thinking, and we lose opportunities to explore differing perspectives.

Sadly, the quality of many work conversations borders on mediocrity and/or boredom. Meaning and connection tend to be reserved for personal conversations.

Quality work conversations require:

1. Intelligence and passion
2. Personal and universal connections
3. Use of strong, authentic and emotional words

Fierce Conversations

In her two books, Fierce Conversations and Fierce Leadership, training and development consultant Susan Scott explains that the word “fierce” doesn’t imply menace, cruelty or threats. In Roget’s Thesaurus, the word fierce is associated with the following synonyms: robust, intense, strong, powerful, passionate, eager, unbridled, uncurbed and untamed.

“The simplest definition of a fierce conversation is one in which we come out from behind ourselves, into the conversation, and make it real,” Scott writes.

Some people, however, are intimidated by the idea of talking about what’s real because it requires raw honesty and vulnerability. Sure, real conversations can be scary. But in reality, unreal conversations should be scaring us to death because they never address what needs to be said, cost organizations untold fortunes and limit individuals’ career advancement.

Making It Real

“Real is a change agent’s best friend. While no one has to change, when the conversation is real, the change often occurs before the conversation has ended.” —Susan Scott, 2009

Real conversations may, indeed, be uncomfortable.

“Where did we learn that we should never do or say anything that might make ourselves or others uncomfortable?” Scott asks.

While politeness and constructive criticism matter, they should not come at the expense of meaningful interactions that explore diverse perspectives and competing recommendations.

As a leader, it’s your job to accomplish your organization’s goals. You accomplish this, in large part, by making every conversation as real as possible.

The Risk of Being Real

Today’s workforce is composed of men and women who consider themselves to be free agents. They’re responsible for the course of their working careers and may think of themselves as owners and investors—not as employees. It’s a fair belief, as each day they invest time, energy and brain power at work.

Your organization’s people own their free will, drive and expertise. They’re willing to invest these assets in support of colleagues, ideals and goals in which they believe. As a leader, manager or team member, you can give them something to believe in by making every conversation real.

There are some emotional risks, according to Scott:

• I will be known.
• I will be seen.
• I will be changed.

You have to remove your professional mask and leadership persona, setting aside your authority and power. You must open your mind to others’ potentially competing perspectives and accept that you don’t know it all or have all the answers.

Leaders who strive to increase their candor and authenticity experience a growing sense of personal freedom, vitality and effectiveness. By improving their ability to have robust conversations, they gain a higher level of personal authenticity, emotional honesty, integrity and greater capacity to inspire change in others.

Start Having Fierce Conversations

Real conversations begin with you. You must “be the change you want,” modeling how you want others to behave.

The art of fierce conversations is an evolving practice — one that must be initiated and repeated on an ongoing basis. You must practice before you enjoy progress.

Four Goals of Real Conversations

Scott describes four critical goals for fierce conversations:

1. Interrogate reality.

Reality and truth are like “shape shifters” in fantasy films. One minute, you see an adorable puppy; the next, it morphs into a fire-spewing dragon. In business, marketplace realities, technology and global demands shift rapidly — and if you’re like most people, you try to fix the same problems with the same solutions, expecting different results.

If you fail to explore differing realities, you’ll spend an inordinate amount of time mopping up the aftermath of plans torpedoed by people who resent their organizations’ refusal to value their experience, opinions and beliefs.

Regularly interrogate reality. Ask yourself:

• What has changed?
• Does the plan still make sense?
• If not, what’s required of you? Of others?
• Which realities should be explored before important decisions are made?

2. Provoke learning.

Learning cannot occur in a conversation unless both parties agree to nonjudgmentally explore all sides of an issue.

One common error occurs when you’re entering into a conversation with a fixed agenda, such as trying to persuade someone to alter his or her point of view. You cannot effectively influence people until you know where they’re coming from, and this requires research and preparation.

• a. Begin with an open mind and the willingness to step out of judgment mode.
• b. Make a clear and succinct statement that describes the behavior or issue from your point of view.
• c. Proceed with an invitation, such as: “Please tell me what’s going on from where you sit. I want to understand your perspective and learn your thoughts.”

Many of us ruin a conversation by yammering for too long about our own perspective, without giving the other person a chance to respond. And as soon as the other person says something with which we disagree, we jump back in, giving more examples and trying to build a stronger case. The person on the receiving end will tune out or go into defensive mode, ending the possibility of having a meaningful conversation.

• d. Stop talking and start listening. When necessary, let silence happen.
• e. Facilitate openness by asking questions nonjudgmentally.

3. Tackle tough challenges.

To have real conversations, you must be willing to identify and address the relevant issues in a truthful and courageous manner. Ask yourself: “What are the most important issues I should be addressing? Which issues am I avoiding?” Sometimes, this involves problems everyone knows exist, but rarely acknowledge or discuss.

4. Enrich relationships.

Each conversation you have is an opportunity to enhance a relationship. But for many hard-charging and competitive high achievers, conversations are used as opportunities to show off their brilliance and wit.

Fierce conversations are not competitive. Each participant must agree to communicate as an equal.

Conversations must no longer be about you, but centered on others. This requires asking questions and listening with total focus and attention on the other person. No multitasking is allowed!

Human Connectivity

For top leaders, 90 percent of their success can be attributed to emotional intelligence. Those who fail lack emotional competencies.

Three problems can derail potential triumphs:

1. Difficulty in handling change
2. Inability to work well in a team
3. Poor interpersonal relations

Each of these deficits can be resolved through meaningful conversations.

Smart leaders quickly realize that their most valuable currency isn’t money, IQ, advanced degrees, achievements, charisma, good looks, athletic prowess, analytical expertise or other symbols of success. Rather, their most valuable currencies are relationships, emotional capital and the ability to connect with others.

Lack of meaningful connections with coworkers and customers costs companies billions of dollars annually. In a highly competitive marketplace, where most products and services are commodities that customers can acquire from your competitors, human connectivity is often the sole differentiator.

You cannot achieve a deep connection with colleagues and customers unless you bring valuable expertise to the relationship and can access and manage emotions (your own and others’).

Emotions Have a Bad Rep

Despite indisputable evidence to the contrary, many leaders believe displaying emotions in the workplace should be avoided. This old chestnut has been drummed into our collective consciousness for decades.

“Old school” beliefs include:

• Emotions have no place at work.
• • Any display — apart from enthusiasm — is inappropriate and unprofessional.
• We don’t have time to deal with feelings in the workplace.
• If we want to talk about feelings, we should see a therapist.
• We can rely on intelligence and logic to persuade colleagues and customers.

These obsolete tenets are slowly being replaced by the following concepts:

• Emotions are running the show anyway, so we need to increase our awareness of them.
• Emotions motivate us, for better or worse, so we must pay attention to them.
• Failure to deal with emotions will cause greater problems down the road.
• Our jobs require us to create a culture that engenders affection, loyalty and connection with coworkers and customers.
• To win respect and influence others, we must respect and commit to them.

How to Sharpen a Conversation

Ten step-by-step phases can guide you through more meaningful conversations. As with any guide, consider these steps to be general principles, and choose your words with forethought.

1. Prepare to have your conversation in person, without distractions.
2. Clarify your intentions.
3. Prepare your opening statement.
4. Name the issue.
5. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior you want to change.
6. Describe your emotions around the issue.
7. Clarify what’s at stake.
8. Identify the ways in which you contribute to the problem.
9. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue.
10. Invite your partner to respond.

Once you’ve made a trial run with these guidelines, debrief with the other person. You can say something like: “Thank you for hearing what I had to say and for sharing your perspectives. Your success is important to me, and I applaud your commitment to action. I’d like us to follow up on this later.”

Workshop will focus on several techniques to improve networking and generate business results through different organizations such as Chamber of Commerce:

• Why should you NETWORK?
• Developing a positive ATTITUDE for networking
• PREPARING for networking events
• Tips for SUCCESSFUL networking
• Networking Etiquette
• MAINTAINING your network

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In this workshop participants will have a chance to review their sales techniques and understand what personal obstacles are being created, as well as how to overcome to achieve their objectives:

• Creating a sales ATTITUDE
• PROSPECTING those who want to Buy your products and services
• IDENTIFYING and understanding the Buying/Selling process
• Learn to ask EFFECTIVE Questions
• Strategies to TRANSFORMING your organization into a sales dynamo
• Leading your organization to FOCUS on RESULTS

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Tuesday July 6th 2010 from 8:00AM to 9:30AM

Participants will learn:

• How to create a compelling Vision that INSPIRES
• Questions you need to answer before you move your organization forward
• Six key elements to effectively communicate your Vision
• Why creating a POWERFUL Vision is not enough
• How to get everyone focused on the right RESULTS
• 14 conditions that can derail your organization
• The simple exercise that can TRANSFORM your organization

Register Here